eh, whatever, I shall now rant, because I can.

[kaigou]

I will, eventually, create a program that will send electrical shocks to authors who overuse cliches. This will be the great work of my lifetime. Those who insist on 'braided boy' and 'banged boy' and 'perfect soldier' in a fandom that will not be named, will obviously get it worse than most. But I'm sure it'd be easy, once we have the technology, to adapt the prog to any set of cliches we wish. I'd also like to program the system to raise the jolt level for each mention of eye color, especially during lemons, especially lemons taking place IN A DARK ROOM. It's frickin' dark, damn it, you can't SEE the person's eye color or their hair color!

And so, in that vein, I now posit the notion that all these people writing guys talking at length, during sex, are authors on DRUGS. For instance, in your average female-written fanfic, the conversation-during-sex contains lines like these:

1. "Oh, you're the light of my existence, my heart is always yours, and I could never measure how much you mean to me..."

For which I can't even muster a comment because this is supposed to be in the MIDDLE of sex? When the sex is good and hot, most people report that entire vocabularies get knocked down to nothing bigger than one syllable and we won't even get into the impossibility of complete sentences. Because, y'know, gray matter is allegedly currently busy thinking complex thoughts like BASEBALL! and WAH! and OH SHIT! and BASEBALL!

2. "You're so precious to me, my little one..."

Kill it. Kill it now. No extra points for moronic nickname usage, either. Actually, combining extensive sappy dialogue during sex with atrocious nicknames should probably be a good case for instant electrocution. I'll make a note to work that into the program.

2. "Ooh, baby, I'm gonna make you scream my name!"

A line heard only in bad porn. Really. The reason you don't hear it in real life is because no reasonable adult can hear a line like that and not crack up, thus killing the mood because one-half of the participants is in hysterics from teh stupid.

So! Clearly these writers haven't been having actual sex. Had they had actual sex with actual men, they would've known that the conversation would be more like this:

*pant*pant*pant*

"Ugh...unhh..."

*pant*groan*pant*

When I say "nuff said", that applies on so many levels.

AND, for the record, if you are a sappy-styled writer and want to take offense at the fact that I think sappy-styled lemons are highly unrealistic, if making for great comedy (which I'll admit is probably not the sappy-styled writer's intent), then you're perfectly welcome to take offense elsewhere. No one's making you read this, and no one's making me read your sappy-styled lemons either, which is a damn good thing or I might end up even more of a psychotic bastard than I already am.

Comments

[guiltyred.livejournal.com]

*laughing my ass off*

Hi, I found you through the gwanalysis comm, and loved this post! You summed up the peeves so well, I thought you might appreciate the irony of just how hard it is to DELIBERATELY write a crackfic lemon scene. I mentioned offhand to some friends that I should write one, and they basically dared me to go ahead with it.

It took me days to come up with the right/wrong way to do everything. It's Weiss Kreuz, but the stereotypes are pretty recognizable. If you'd like to see the insanity that ensued, click here: http://guiltyred-fics.livejournal.com/79113.html#cutid1

If not, at least you won't need eyebleach. ~_^

[solitude1056.livejournal.com]

OMG that is just all sorts of wrong, beyond all wrong. Hats off to you -- writing a truly crack lemon is a damn hard thing to do without going bonkers (or sliding sideways into looking too much like what you're parodying and ending up with fangirls who think you've just written Teh World's Latest Bestest Sex, which is really scary when you realize half your fans didn't get the frickin' joke).

My response, I'd have to say, would be the one I wrote to scare a friend -- she didn't scream in horror, but I did get a slight squeak, and that alone made my day, my whole week, even. Since it starts with IC, the OOC is pretty obvious: A Most Despicable Thing (http://gwaddiction.com/p.php?title=Most+Despicable+Thing,+A&author=Sol+1056&to=&series=&part=&last=&authorpage=Sol.shtml&fic=./sol/despicable). Y'know, I think there are still people who hate me for that one.

I'm all about the peeves, baby.

[guiltyred.livejournal.com]

*grins* *bows* Thank you, thank you! I love parodying my own characters too, tortured them badly and will do so again for Halloween. You're invited to the crackage, starting October 1 and continuing through the Big One. ~_^ There will be multi-fandom references and seriously messed-uppedness. And Girl Scout Cookies.

And that's to pay you back for "A Most Despicable Thing", LOL!! It will take much crack to get even now. ~_^ I've only just begun.