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kaigouI will, eventually, create a program that will send electrical shocks to authors who overuse cliches. This will be the great work of my lifetime. Those who insist on 'braided boy' and 'banged boy' and 'perfect soldier' in a fandom that will not be named, will obviously get it worse than most. But I'm sure it'd be easy, once we have the technology, to adapt the prog to any set of cliches we wish. I'd also like to program the system to raise the jolt level for each mention of eye color, especially during lemons, especially lemons taking place IN A DARK ROOM. It's frickin' dark, damn it, you can't SEE the person's eye color or their hair color!
And so, in that vein, I now posit the notion that all these people writing guys talking at length, during sex, are authors on DRUGS. For instance, in your average female-written fanfic, the conversation-during-sex contains lines like these:
1. "Oh, you're the light of my existence, my heart is always yours, and I could never measure how much you mean to me..."
For which I can't even muster a comment because this is supposed to be in the MIDDLE of sex? When the sex is good and hot, most people report that entire vocabularies get knocked down to nothing bigger than one syllable and we won't even get into the impossibility of complete sentences. Because, y'know, gray matter is allegedly currently busy thinking complex thoughts like BASEBALL! and WAH! and OH SHIT! and BASEBALL!
2. "You're so precious to me, my little one..."
Kill it. Kill it now. No extra points for moronic nickname usage, either. Actually, combining extensive sappy dialogue during sex with atrocious nicknames should probably be a good case for instant electrocution. I'll make a note to work that into the program.
2. "Ooh, baby, I'm gonna make you scream my name!"
A line heard only in bad porn. Really. The reason you don't hear it in real life is because no reasonable adult can hear a line like that and not crack up, thus killing the mood because one-half of the participants is in hysterics from teh stupid.
So! Clearly these writers haven't been having actual sex. Had they had actual sex with actual men, they would've known that the conversation would be more like this:
*pant*pant*pant*
"Ugh...unhh..."
*pant*groan*pant*
When I say "nuff said", that applies on so many levels.
AND, for the record, if you are a sappy-styled writer and want to take offense at the fact that I think sappy-styled lemons are highly unrealistic, if making for great comedy (which I'll admit is probably not the sappy-styled writer's intent), then you're perfectly welcome to take offense elsewhere. No one's making you read this, and no one's making me read your sappy-styled lemons either, which is a damn good thing or I might end up even more of a psychotic bastard than I already am.
And so, in that vein, I now posit the notion that all these people writing guys talking at length, during sex, are authors on DRUGS. For instance, in your average female-written fanfic, the conversation-during-sex contains lines like these:
1. "Oh, you're the light of my existence, my heart is always yours, and I could never measure how much you mean to me..."
For which I can't even muster a comment because this is supposed to be in the MIDDLE of sex? When the sex is good and hot, most people report that entire vocabularies get knocked down to nothing bigger than one syllable and we won't even get into the impossibility of complete sentences. Because, y'know, gray matter is allegedly currently busy thinking complex thoughts like BASEBALL! and WAH! and OH SHIT! and BASEBALL!
2. "You're so precious to me, my little one..."
Kill it. Kill it now. No extra points for moronic nickname usage, either. Actually, combining extensive sappy dialogue during sex with atrocious nicknames should probably be a good case for instant electrocution. I'll make a note to work that into the program.
2. "Ooh, baby, I'm gonna make you scream my name!"
A line heard only in bad porn. Really. The reason you don't hear it in real life is because no reasonable adult can hear a line like that and not crack up, thus killing the mood because one-half of the participants is in hysterics from teh stupid.
So! Clearly these writers haven't been having actual sex. Had they had actual sex with actual men, they would've known that the conversation would be more like this:
*pant*pant*pant*
"Ugh...unhh..."
*pant*groan*pant*
When I say "nuff said", that applies on so many levels.
AND, for the record, if you are a sappy-styled writer and want to take offense at the fact that I think sappy-styled lemons are highly unrealistic, if making for great comedy (which I'll admit is probably not the sappy-styled writer's intent), then you're perfectly welcome to take offense elsewhere. No one's making you read this, and no one's making me read your sappy-styled lemons either, which is a damn good thing or I might end up even more of a psychotic bastard than I already am.
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no subject
Date: 6 Feb 2006 03:58 pm (UTC)I had a comment conversation with a reader the other day at the
The sum total of the reader's first comment: "EEEEEWWWWWWWWWWW!"
I wrote back: "Heh. Realities of anal sex, I'm afraid."
She replied with a rude bit about that's why condoms were invented, blah blah, your basic "I don't read fic for reality", and finishing off with "Don't write like this again EVAR!!!!1!" (I'm paraphrasing, but not much.)
Realizing this was a lost cause, I thanked her for her thoughts. Then it occurred to her write back and say, oh, BTW, good fic. *laughs*
What I wanted to say to her, had I the slightest inkling it would not fall on deaf ears: "These are cowboys. They have probably, at some time, stuck their entire arm up a cow's ass for some reason or another. Assholes, dicks and shit are no mystery to them. THEY ARE NOT CITY GIRLS! They are rough, tough, rural MEN. Get the fuck over it."
*pants*
[/rant]
Not like it was a huge deal, although it might not sound like it after that little diatribe. She's obviously just young and dumb. The fact is, though, that I hatehatehate it when authors turn men into fawning little women, especially tough men like cowboys or killers. I like men, dammit. They're sweaty and crude and muscle-y and all sorts of yummy things. Let's not throw that out for the sake of a little girly "romance."
And yeah, I dislike the whole "braided baka" thing too, though not as much. I think authors use it as an alternative to using the person's name, no? As if, somehow, using a description of the person makes the prose better. These would be the same people who have a conniption trying not to use the same word twice in the same xxx number of words.
Hm. I thought I'd stopped ranting. Whooops.
Sorry I took over your LJ to air my own stupid issues. Forgive me?
And yeah, I'd buy that machine in a heartbeat. Does it come with a fangirl adapter?
^_^
no subject
Date: 6 Feb 2006 04:45 pm (UTC)*dies laughing*
Yeah, well, farm boys.
Authors do have -- and I went through this phase myself, for some unknown reason (because I should have known better but it is a sort of style within every fandom) -- a phobia about using the character's name too often. Like readers are finding it boring or something; they don't seem to realize that we simply don't 'see' a character's name unless or until you use it solely with no pronouns. That's the only time it becomes obtrusive. Fear of being boring, I suppose.
Fangirl adapters for all!