I quit.

[kaigou]

Note. My language is bad, because I am in a truly rare mood. I don't often scream. I've never thrown anything while angry. Well, once, but I was six, so that doesn't count. Tonight? I'm mad. I'm beyond mad. I'm just low-down, ice-to-numb.

Anyway.

I trust you guys, so I'm hoping this won't show up in the latest nonsense elsewhere, but I have to say it.

I quit.

I fucking quit. Quit, quit, quit.

Let's see. In the GW fandom, I get raked over the coals for being too nice to people! Oh, how I flatter and stroke people's egos! I must be Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, because in the FmA fandom, I am The Greatest Bastard Ever. Yes. Wanked once, and moving up to a second wank now thanks to some moron who isn't even on the goddamn archive. The Scimitar policy is identical to GWA. I never thought this was an issue, and I dealt with the wank back in April? May? Whatever. I made my policy quite explicit to prevent anyone in the future claiming they just didn't catch that part of the email - y'know, the part of the invite that said, "I'd like to archive *all* your completed work, even that co-authored with someone else." (I love selective reading skills.) So this guy doesn't want to be archived - or so I was told by another author - because he disagrees wth the policy. Hey, I can respect that. I wasn't stressing about it.

He co-authors with a Scimitar author, and hits the roof when the co-authored story is archived. I'm still perplexed as to what exactly is his issue. (I would've expected him to be doing the snoopy dance, crying, "I got around Scimitar's all-or-nothing policy! Nyah!") Hey, to hell with that, I'm also perplexed as to how someone can speak with authority about the fact that I'm a bastard, a downright tyrant, for daring - daring! - to possibly run MY archive the way I choose. I paid the goddamn money and spent the time coding and talked to the authors and archived them WHEN THEY AGREED TO THE POLICY and betaed their work when they asked and encouraged them when they needed it and provided crit when they asked and who the FUCK are you to have ANY authority to tell ME how to run my OWN goddamn archive?

Funny, when I even remotely said that during the first wank run-around, I got nothing but grief for being a diva. Yes. Because obviously I have such the martyr syndrome, to be soooo hard-working and wah, no one loves me. I didn't have a martyr syndrome, but being libeled will sure give you a paranoia complex pretty fast. Damn fucking moronic twits.

The irony, here, is that the archived author didn't even ask me to take down the story.

No...he asked me to change my entire policy.

Y'know, to keep happy an author who's not even on the goddamn archives.

That's it. I'm so fucking sick of the baggage attached to the name Sol. I'm sick of the strange feeling in the pit of my stomach that some of those narrow-minded, power-game, jealous little peons will gleefully find my original fiction and write some publisher and say, "this is all fanfiction! you're publishing someone who perpetrates copyright violation!" Will I lose a contract? Will I lose an agent? This is my life, people, this is no longer a game. This is what I want to do for the rest of my life - and I think based on some of the crap said by those folks - and the extent to which they are proving to hold grudges! - that I have every reasonable right to be worried.

And yknow what gets me? What really fucking burns me?

I can write circles around those people who are crucifying me.

There are a lot of good writers on Scimitar. And there are a lot of good writers in GW, too. And I like talking to those good writers, and hanging out with them, and I've learned a crapload from writing fanfiction. I think my writing has improved greatly, ten times, maybe a hundred times, compared to the first pieces I wrote - man, has it been that long? - almost three years ago. I am a damn fucking good writer, but I've seen the way people get sliced if they have that attitude, let alone publicize it - oh, the ego! Oh, must be such a bastard, to have such ego! Well, you damn peon wannabes, maybe I fucking deserve that ego.

And why is it always that the ones complaining are the ones whose stuff I read, and think, y'know what? Your first five pieces were decent. You had potential. But you're writing the same thing repeatedly and you're on your fifty-seventh FmA story - this is NOT a good sign. I, in contrast, goddamnit, am NOT a one-trick pony. Why the FUCK do I have to act humble, and be NICE to these people who only seem interested in stomping all over me like I'm some doormat who's just laid out for public torture?

To hell with that, I'll say it: my stories are fucking awesome sometimes. Not always, but I'm sick of pretending like I'm run-of-the-mill just to avoid being raked over the wank coals one more time. I have to believe I'm good. No one else is going to do it for me, really. I've got to believe I'm publishable, because no agent out there is going to sign on with me and neither will an editor unless my story can impress them and I can convince them that it's not a one time thing, but that I can produce that quality again, and again, and again. And I've got to believe in myself because it's just me, alone in my dining room, opening the mail one more time to yet another xeroxed letter that says, "thank you for your query, but I'm afraid this isn't really what we're looking for right now" - someday, someday, that letter will say, "please send your entire manuscript", and someday, and it WILL happen, that letter will say, "this rocks, and I want to represent you, and I know just the publisher who'd love to have this novel". Someday. That is why I have to finally put my foot down and say that even if all the rest of you are gonna sit there at your keyboards and sniff, "man, Sol is just so outta control and delusional, but whatever, it's Sol's time and effort," that I'm not gonna quit trying.

If that means it's time I tell people upfront: I tell a good story. I tell a damn good story. And the people agreeing with me are not on the archives. They're not in a fandom. They're other original writers - some published, some not - and I think they probably have a great deal more insight into what makes a good story than some college-aged bitch with a PC who's churning out five hundred word ficlets of porn in which characterization is neglected and there's no goddamn plot. That ain't me. I'm better than that.

And I'm sick and tired of being nice to people who won't fucking treat me with the same respect I give them. Again, and again.

So, for all it was a joke at Otakon about GW writers who leave in a huff because no one pays enough attention to them - fuck that shit, I'm sick of having attention paid to me! I would be more than happy with just the twenty or so hardcore fellow-writers whose stuff I like and who have good, solid crits and suggestions to me and point out my mistakes and tell me when I've done something well. The rest of them can all go damn well burn in whatever little fricking fanwank hell they want. I'm sick and tired of it.

So I have to laugh, at this point, because if I don't, I will break down and start doubting myself. I remember once my mother's comment was that some people give, and give, and give, and when they break, you never see it coming because it's just that one single little straw that does them in. I always figured, not me, I'd tell people way ahead of time. I guess not. Looking back, I do give and give, and try to roll with the punches, and I won't even admit it to myself when I am coming close - but I can look over the past month of posts and say, y'know, these are not the posts of a happy fanfic writer. I got told a week or two ago that someone admired me for taking the punches, rolling and barrelling right on through, refusing to give up. I won't stop doing that - I think I've just decided that not all of it is worth the effort...but my original fiction is. The rest of it can burn.

So.

I quit.

I'll finish Howl, and I'll finish Koji ma Oshi. Maybe. If I hit a point where it's not fun, I won't finish them and I damn won't feel guilty about it. But I'm killing the name Sol1056 once those are done. I'm not sure what I'll do about Scimitar, because frankly, I'm not sure I want to saddle anyone else with the nightmare that's a fandom in which five or six really vociferous goddamn wanky bad apples can push someone like me - who is, all evidence to the contrary, one really fucking patient person - into this point.

Now. I'm going to wish for alcohol, settle for chocolate, and work on original fiction.

Thanks for listening/reading. You can now go back to your regularly scheduled non-angry Sol reading pleasure.

Comments

[elanivalae.livejournal.com]

You are a good writer. And I'm not saying that just to make you feel better, or to be a kiss-ass, or even as a friend. I'm saying it as someone who's so goddamned picky about what she reads that she red-pens the novels she buys on a regular basis. I like reading your Ofic, and you're original. It's a matter of time until someone with a bit of influence notices that.

That said, I avoid reading a lot of the stuff on Scimitar because it saddens me that the best of genre in that fandom consists of 500 word porn drabbles, 90 thousand mentions of Ed's golden eyes, and four pages of solid passive voice...and, well, a good number of the people I've encountered there can neither take nor give decent criticism. While fanfiction is just an area where people learn to spread their wings, to use a cliché, the massive self-importance and utter green-faced jealousy of many of them -- this massive resentment toward anyone with original ideas or who believes in, god forbid, drafts -- makes me want to puke. The best authors on there are the ones I never hear this shit from, the ones who are awesome to beta for and get advice from, and who I'm sure will be sad that it's gotten this far.

In my humble opinion, writing is about the process, not the finished product, because the product is never really finished. If a person can't take part in the process like a mature person who recognizes its value, if his only goal is to have something to post and say, "Haha! I made a funny!", if the person, in his frustration, can only cut down others to elevate his own perception of his moral status, then he isn't really a writer. He (or she) is a troll who scribbles as a hobby, and at best will end up writing formula Harlequin novels if he writes anything that ever sells. I'm not naive enough to think that the product doesn't matter at all, since it's what keeps food on the table...but it's the process that keeps my soul from wasting away. Better to eat ramen and write what you know is nourishing, ne?

Sorry I disappeared off IM so suddenly, by the way. >_< My fiancé came over and needed to talk. :\

[rurounitriv.livejournal.com]

Crap, Sol... I can't blame you for being angry, given what you've been going through. And you're right - you are definitely head and shoulders over at least 90% of the fanauthors out there (in every fandom I've ever read!)

I think, in fact, that's a large part of the problem. You're a little like Ed that way - you're far ahead of pretty much everyone else, and are just as unable to hide it - and certain types of people think that makes you a perfect target. Jealousy's a nasty thing, and those cookie-cutter PWP writers have, for the most part, given up their dream to get published - so they want to make you do the same. They try to drag you down to their level, and get pissy when it doesn't work.

As for Scimitar, I'm selfish enough to hope that you can find someone who's willing to take over and stubborn enough to stand up to the idiots who want to make it into the FMA equivalent of FF.net or a porn ring. It would be a shame to see a site with such promise go under.

Hm. Wonder if Tyr had to put up with crap like this when she set up GWA, and how she handled it? Like you said, the rules for Scimitar are the same as GWA's... of course, she doesn't write herself, so that's one bit of pressure on you that she doesn't have. Still, you might consider seeing if she has any suggestions on how to handle the trolls. And IMHO, that's exactly what most of the people who've been taking shots at you lately seem to be.

Gah. I'm rambling. I'd love to see more fanfics from you, just because you're so damn good at it, but not if it's costing you more in aggravation than it's giving you pleasure. Do what you need to do. And when you get that letter saying to send the rest of your manuscript in - let me know. I'll scrape up enough money to buy it somehow. :)

[sevun.livejournal.com]

Okay excuse my french but FUCK!!!....you certainly do NOT owe ANYONE ANYTHING!!!!...when you write and post it's YOU giving US something, when you spend YOUR money and YOUR effort on a site, it damn well is YOURS to do with as you like.

I am certainly sad that you decided to leave, the GW fandom will lose a really great author. And fuck anyone if they think I'm stroking your ego, cause man Sunrise was the FIRST...read that...FIRST fiction, written by an online author, that I have read and it made me want to cry a bit. And besides you, only about two famous authors have accomplished that. So when I say you've got talent, it's not empty flattery to blow up your butt.

I hope you don't give up on Sunrise and Dancing, I love those stories and those characters and you're bringing them to life with every chapter and every rewrite and every single letter and word. I personally believe that you will publish one day. If I have to send out letters to every goddamn agent and publisher in America then I will.

Yeah I know I sound hyped up and freaky, maybe I am, but I hate to see when people are put down so much they think of quiting their dreams. I respect your decision to quit the fandom, but I sincerely hope you never quit your dreams.

As someone who really loves your stories, I'm behind you in this. Whether it's concrit, or mailing a thousand letters to publishers , you've got someone who'll support your endeavors.

Go easy on the alcohol, and get a bucket full of godiva chocolate :D

Excuse the poor writing above, my blood is boiling too much to write straight.

[arithion.livejournal.com]

hmmm well, *huggles* because I know I'm allowed to give you them, and damn it, this time I'd force you to take them even if I wasn't allowed.

You know how picky I am when it comes to reading. And you know that what I've read of your GW stuff since I left the fandom is the only GW stuff I've read, and that's just because of who you are.

You've helped me improve my writing so much. I can almost handle grammar by myself, and that's saying something.

I admire your style, I admire your tenacity and I admire your talent. Fuck what anyone else says. If you want to rant, just throw me a curve ball, I can deal with it. If you want to scream, hell, I'll deal with that too. Just make sure you keep working on your ofics, because they do create a world and capture the reader's attention. And, damn it, there are far too many published author's out there who DON'T achieve this.

The day will come, because it fucking well has to. Because you are good, and because you believe in yourself. Personally, I believe in you too. You're my inspiration, and I don't plan on ever letting you doubt yourself. Soyeah, you don't really have a choice.

Ignore the fuckheads, ignore the dimwits and keep wanting to achieve your dream. You're more than capable of it.

*hugs you*

[aishuu.livejournal.com]

Breathe. I know exactly how you feel - that's one of the main reasons I dropped "Quicksilver" and became "Aishuu."

Just breathe, take a break, and come back to it in a few months if you miss writing. Don't let the bastards get you down.

[sarolynne.livejournal.com]

If it's not fun, then what's the point of writing fanfic, right? You're not getting paid for it, it's not publishable as stands, and as far as practice goes, why not practice on something that might be publishable? The only reason to write fanfiction is because it's fun. The only reason to be involved in any fandom at all is because it's fun.

If you feel like all your doing is giving in fandom, then it isn't worth it. I'm sorry to hear you feel that way, but you have to look out for yourself. If it's time to cut your losses, then it's time.

*hugs* You are a good writer, and as far as fanfiction goes, you are a damn good writer. Knowing that you're competent does not necessarily mean your ego is blown out of proportion, but unfortunately there are people who are only going to see it that way. The same way having a relatively popular fic will make some people say it's overrated, because it's not to their taste.

Hopefully your ofic gives you more pleasure, and it you ever feel like coming back, well, I doubt fandoms are going anywhere. ;)

[hinotori.livejournal.com]

I think I've said this before, but -- you do not owe any of us readers anything.
FMA is a wanky fandom. I believe GW used to be a wanky fandom in the beginning, too. You're an extraordinarily talented writer, and people get jealous. And... danm. You know you're good. You really are. elanivalae said she red-pens the novels she buys -- I don't, but only because to me, printed word is sacred. More or less. But I'm pretty damn close to that point. In general, fanfiction has to captivate me in the first three sentences, or I won't read on. Original stuff in the first paragraph. And so far, ALL of your works both original and fanfiction have managed to do that.

It's a pity how the wankers always manage to spoil a fandom for all the rest.

I hope you find someone for Scimitar. It's an extremly promising archive, and you've put lots and lots of work into it.

Have some chocolate. Turn off the computer. Take a break - a week, a month, a year, a friggin' decade. We'll miss you, but this is about you. And maybe, if you feel like it, you'll log in again someday. Different nick, different connotations, same person.

I'll miss reading your stuff, but you've written several novella- and novel-length stories already. No harm in going through those. And then, of course, there'll be Dancing and Waiting for Sunrise out in the shelves some time soon.

All I can offer is e-chocolate, (hopefully) constructive crits + comments, and e-hugs -- but all of those, I offer plenty.

You're strong, Sol, and you'll make it.

[koyote19.livejournal.com]

I really don't have much to add that others haven't already said, other than that I will miss your stories. You are a damned impressive writer, in my opinion. And I value the advice and concrit I've gotten from you more than you probably know.

But there comes a time when dealing with the mass hysteria of a fandom becomes too much. I wasn't getting the crap you were, but I still am much happier having taken 3 or 4 giant steps back from the fandom. I don't participate in the discussions on the lists, I don't give much in the way of feedback anymore, and I've barely been reading lately, because 3/4 of what's in my inbox can't hold my interest for long enough to finish one chapter. There are exceptions to that, and you are one of those. Koji has me enthralled, and I really hope it stays fun long enough for you to finish, for purely selfish reasons. Granted, with moving recently and having no internet connection at home, you were on chapter 3 of it before I had a chance to read even the first one.

Anyway, enough of my rambling. You have to do what you have to do for you. You don't owe us, or anyone else in the fandom anything more. And while I will miss your stories... I'm looking forward to finding your original fiction on the shelves someday. But just one purely selfish plea...don't lose touch completely? I need to know when to start trolling the bookstores for your stuff, after all.

[ex-saraswath377.livejournal.com]

I can't say too much that the others haven't already said, really. You get abused because you're a public figure and run an invitation-only archive: I would imagine there would be grumbling no matter who it was, because some people are, as you said, just wanky bad apples. (Like said person who posted that long rant, who also started a wank over the color of Roy's eyes. Silly much?) And people get too over-excited over things that aren't really that important in the scheme of life. Rabble-rousing is good for things that are actually worth rabble-rousing over and haven't been done several months ago anyway. *sigh*

It's your decision to leave, and I think I might see myself doing that at sometime in the (probably not near) future. But like some of the others, if you want to, I would be interested in staying in touch. Because you write interesting stuff in here, and I'd want to know when you were published.

[sintari.livejournal.com]

I have to believe I'm good. No one else is going to do it for me, really.

And that's the heart of the matter, right there. As for everything else, fuck 'em all. You've chosen to make writing your life. The last thing you need is a bunch of fandom peons pulling you down. Honestly, if you let it get to you to much, it could have ruined one of your life's dreams. Fanfiction - a hobby, something that's supposed to be fun - isn't worth that.

Maybe it is time for a break. I'll still miss you and your work.

[branchandroot]

People are stupid sheep. Screw 'em. It's hard enough for a writer to stay sane, you don't need idiots dragging you down. *hugs*