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kaigouNote. My language is bad, because I am in a truly rare mood. I don't often scream. I've never thrown anything while angry. Well, once, but I was six, so that doesn't count. Tonight? I'm mad. I'm beyond mad. I'm just low-down, ice-to-numb.
Anyway.
I trust you guys, so I'm hoping this won't show up in the latest nonsense elsewhere, but I have to say it.
I quit.
I fucking quit. Quit, quit, quit.
Let's see. In the GW fandom, I get raked over the coals for being too nice to people! Oh, how I flatter and stroke people's egos! I must be Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, because in the FmA fandom, I am The Greatest Bastard Ever. Yes. Wanked once, and moving up to a second wank now thanks to some moron who isn't even on the goddamn archive. The Scimitar policy is identical to GWA. I never thought this was an issue, and I dealt with the wank back in April? May? Whatever. I made my policy quite explicit to prevent anyone in the future claiming they just didn't catch that part of the email - y'know, the part of the invite that said, "I'd like to archive *all* your completed work, even that co-authored with someone else." (I love selective reading skills.) So this guy doesn't want to be archived - or so I was told by another author - because he disagrees wth the policy. Hey, I can respect that. I wasn't stressing about it.
He co-authors with a Scimitar author, and hits the roof when the co-authored story is archived. I'm still perplexed as to what exactly is his issue. (I would've expected him to be doing the snoopy dance, crying, "I got around Scimitar's all-or-nothing policy! Nyah!") Hey, to hell with that, I'm also perplexed as to how someone can speak with authority about the fact that I'm a bastard, a downright tyrant, for daring - daring! - to possibly run MY archive the way I choose. I paid the goddamn money and spent the time coding and talked to the authors and archived them WHEN THEY AGREED TO THE POLICY and betaed their work when they asked and encouraged them when they needed it and provided crit when they asked and who the FUCK are you to have ANY authority to tell ME how to run my OWN goddamn archive?
Funny, when I even remotely said that during the first wank run-around, I got nothing but grief for being a diva. Yes. Because obviously I have such the martyr syndrome, to be soooo hard-working and wah, no one loves me. I didn't have a martyr syndrome, but being libeled will sure give you a paranoia complex pretty fast. Damn fucking moronic twits.
The irony, here, is that the archived author didn't even ask me to take down the story.
No...he asked me to change my entire policy.
Y'know, to keep happy an author who's not even on the goddamn archives.
That's it. I'm so fucking sick of the baggage attached to the name Sol. I'm sick of the strange feeling in the pit of my stomach that some of those narrow-minded, power-game, jealous little peons will gleefully find my original fiction and write some publisher and say, "this is all fanfiction! you're publishing someone who perpetrates copyright violation!" Will I lose a contract? Will I lose an agent? This is my life, people, this is no longer a game. This is what I want to do for the rest of my life - and I think based on some of the crap said by those folks - and the extent to which they are proving to hold grudges! - that I have every reasonable right to be worried.
And yknow what gets me? What really fucking burns me?
I can write circles around those people who are crucifying me.
There are a lot of good writers on Scimitar. And there are a lot of good writers in GW, too. And I like talking to those good writers, and hanging out with them, and I've learned a crapload from writing fanfiction. I think my writing has improved greatly, ten times, maybe a hundred times, compared to the first pieces I wrote - man, has it been that long? - almost three years ago. I am a damn fucking good writer, but I've seen the way people get sliced if they have that attitude, let alone publicize it - oh, the ego! Oh, must be such a bastard, to have such ego! Well, you damn peon wannabes, maybe I fucking deserve that ego.
And why is it always that the ones complaining are the ones whose stuff I read, and think, y'know what? Your first five pieces were decent. You had potential. But you're writing the same thing repeatedly and you're on your fifty-seventh FmA story - this is NOT a good sign. I, in contrast, goddamnit, am NOT a one-trick pony. Why the FUCK do I have to act humble, and be NICE to these people who only seem interested in stomping all over me like I'm some doormat who's just laid out for public torture?
To hell with that, I'll say it: my stories are fucking awesome sometimes. Not always, but I'm sick of pretending like I'm run-of-the-mill just to avoid being raked over the wank coals one more time. I have to believe I'm good. No one else is going to do it for me, really. I've got to believe I'm publishable, because no agent out there is going to sign on with me and neither will an editor unless my story can impress them and I can convince them that it's not a one time thing, but that I can produce that quality again, and again, and again. And I've got to believe in myself because it's just me, alone in my dining room, opening the mail one more time to yet another xeroxed letter that says, "thank you for your query, but I'm afraid this isn't really what we're looking for right now" - someday, someday, that letter will say, "please send your entire manuscript", and someday, and it WILL happen, that letter will say, "this rocks, and I want to represent you, and I know just the publisher who'd love to have this novel". Someday. That is why I have to finally put my foot down and say that even if all the rest of you are gonna sit there at your keyboards and sniff, "man, Sol is just so outta control and delusional, but whatever, it's Sol's time and effort," that I'm not gonna quit trying.
If that means it's time I tell people upfront: I tell a good story. I tell a damn good story. And the people agreeing with me are not on the archives. They're not in a fandom. They're other original writers - some published, some not - and I think they probably have a great deal more insight into what makes a good story than some college-aged bitch with a PC who's churning out five hundred word ficlets of porn in which characterization is neglected and there's no goddamn plot. That ain't me. I'm better than that.
And I'm sick and tired of being nice to people who won't fucking treat me with the same respect I give them. Again, and again.
So, for all it was a joke at Otakon about GW writers who leave in a huff because no one pays enough attention to them - fuck that shit, I'm sick of having attention paid to me! I would be more than happy with just the twenty or so hardcore fellow-writers whose stuff I like and who have good, solid crits and suggestions to me and point out my mistakes and tell me when I've done something well. The rest of them can all go damn well burn in whatever little fricking fanwank hell they want. I'm sick and tired of it.
So I have to laugh, at this point, because if I don't, I will break down and start doubting myself. I remember once my mother's comment was that some people give, and give, and give, and when they break, you never see it coming because it's just that one single little straw that does them in. I always figured, not me, I'd tell people way ahead of time. I guess not. Looking back, I do give and give, and try to roll with the punches, and I won't even admit it to myself when I am coming close - but I can look over the past month of posts and say, y'know, these are not the posts of a happy fanfic writer. I got told a week or two ago that someone admired me for taking the punches, rolling and barrelling right on through, refusing to give up. I won't stop doing that - I think I've just decided that not all of it is worth the effort...but my original fiction is. The rest of it can burn.
So.
I quit.
I'll finish Howl, and I'll finish Koji ma Oshi. Maybe. If I hit a point where it's not fun, I won't finish them and I damn won't feel guilty about it. But I'm killing the name Sol1056 once those are done. I'm not sure what I'll do about Scimitar, because frankly, I'm not sure I want to saddle anyone else with the nightmare that's a fandom in which five or six really vociferous goddamn wanky bad apples can push someone like me - who is, all evidence to the contrary, one really fucking patient person - into this point.
Now. I'm going to wish for alcohol, settle for chocolate, and work on original fiction.
Thanks for listening/reading. You can now go back to your regularly scheduled non-angry Sol reading pleasure.
Anyway.
I trust you guys, so I'm hoping this won't show up in the latest nonsense elsewhere, but I have to say it.
I quit.
I fucking quit. Quit, quit, quit.
Let's see. In the GW fandom, I get raked over the coals for being too nice to people! Oh, how I flatter and stroke people's egos! I must be Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, because in the FmA fandom, I am The Greatest Bastard Ever. Yes. Wanked once, and moving up to a second wank now thanks to some moron who isn't even on the goddamn archive. The Scimitar policy is identical to GWA. I never thought this was an issue, and I dealt with the wank back in April? May? Whatever. I made my policy quite explicit to prevent anyone in the future claiming they just didn't catch that part of the email - y'know, the part of the invite that said, "I'd like to archive *all* your completed work, even that co-authored with someone else." (I love selective reading skills.) So this guy doesn't want to be archived - or so I was told by another author - because he disagrees wth the policy. Hey, I can respect that. I wasn't stressing about it.
He co-authors with a Scimitar author, and hits the roof when the co-authored story is archived. I'm still perplexed as to what exactly is his issue. (I would've expected him to be doing the snoopy dance, crying, "I got around Scimitar's all-or-nothing policy! Nyah!") Hey, to hell with that, I'm also perplexed as to how someone can speak with authority about the fact that I'm a bastard, a downright tyrant, for daring - daring! - to possibly run MY archive the way I choose. I paid the goddamn money and spent the time coding and talked to the authors and archived them WHEN THEY AGREED TO THE POLICY and betaed their work when they asked and encouraged them when they needed it and provided crit when they asked and who the FUCK are you to have ANY authority to tell ME how to run my OWN goddamn archive?
Funny, when I even remotely said that during the first wank run-around, I got nothing but grief for being a diva. Yes. Because obviously I have such the martyr syndrome, to be soooo hard-working and wah, no one loves me. I didn't have a martyr syndrome, but being libeled will sure give you a paranoia complex pretty fast. Damn fucking moronic twits.
The irony, here, is that the archived author didn't even ask me to take down the story.
No...he asked me to change my entire policy.
Y'know, to keep happy an author who's not even on the goddamn archives.
That's it. I'm so fucking sick of the baggage attached to the name Sol. I'm sick of the strange feeling in the pit of my stomach that some of those narrow-minded, power-game, jealous little peons will gleefully find my original fiction and write some publisher and say, "this is all fanfiction! you're publishing someone who perpetrates copyright violation!" Will I lose a contract? Will I lose an agent? This is my life, people, this is no longer a game. This is what I want to do for the rest of my life - and I think based on some of the crap said by those folks - and the extent to which they are proving to hold grudges! - that I have every reasonable right to be worried.
And yknow what gets me? What really fucking burns me?
I can write circles around those people who are crucifying me.
There are a lot of good writers on Scimitar. And there are a lot of good writers in GW, too. And I like talking to those good writers, and hanging out with them, and I've learned a crapload from writing fanfiction. I think my writing has improved greatly, ten times, maybe a hundred times, compared to the first pieces I wrote - man, has it been that long? - almost three years ago. I am a damn fucking good writer, but I've seen the way people get sliced if they have that attitude, let alone publicize it - oh, the ego! Oh, must be such a bastard, to have such ego! Well, you damn peon wannabes, maybe I fucking deserve that ego.
And why is it always that the ones complaining are the ones whose stuff I read, and think, y'know what? Your first five pieces were decent. You had potential. But you're writing the same thing repeatedly and you're on your fifty-seventh FmA story - this is NOT a good sign. I, in contrast, goddamnit, am NOT a one-trick pony. Why the FUCK do I have to act humble, and be NICE to these people who only seem interested in stomping all over me like I'm some doormat who's just laid out for public torture?
To hell with that, I'll say it: my stories are fucking awesome sometimes. Not always, but I'm sick of pretending like I'm run-of-the-mill just to avoid being raked over the wank coals one more time. I have to believe I'm good. No one else is going to do it for me, really. I've got to believe I'm publishable, because no agent out there is going to sign on with me and neither will an editor unless my story can impress them and I can convince them that it's not a one time thing, but that I can produce that quality again, and again, and again. And I've got to believe in myself because it's just me, alone in my dining room, opening the mail one more time to yet another xeroxed letter that says, "thank you for your query, but I'm afraid this isn't really what we're looking for right now" - someday, someday, that letter will say, "please send your entire manuscript", and someday, and it WILL happen, that letter will say, "this rocks, and I want to represent you, and I know just the publisher who'd love to have this novel". Someday. That is why I have to finally put my foot down and say that even if all the rest of you are gonna sit there at your keyboards and sniff, "man, Sol is just so outta control and delusional, but whatever, it's Sol's time and effort," that I'm not gonna quit trying.
If that means it's time I tell people upfront: I tell a good story. I tell a damn good story. And the people agreeing with me are not on the archives. They're not in a fandom. They're other original writers - some published, some not - and I think they probably have a great deal more insight into what makes a good story than some college-aged bitch with a PC who's churning out five hundred word ficlets of porn in which characterization is neglected and there's no goddamn plot. That ain't me. I'm better than that.
And I'm sick and tired of being nice to people who won't fucking treat me with the same respect I give them. Again, and again.
So, for all it was a joke at Otakon about GW writers who leave in a huff because no one pays enough attention to them - fuck that shit, I'm sick of having attention paid to me! I would be more than happy with just the twenty or so hardcore fellow-writers whose stuff I like and who have good, solid crits and suggestions to me and point out my mistakes and tell me when I've done something well. The rest of them can all go damn well burn in whatever little fricking fanwank hell they want. I'm sick and tired of it.
So I have to laugh, at this point, because if I don't, I will break down and start doubting myself. I remember once my mother's comment was that some people give, and give, and give, and when they break, you never see it coming because it's just that one single little straw that does them in. I always figured, not me, I'd tell people way ahead of time. I guess not. Looking back, I do give and give, and try to roll with the punches, and I won't even admit it to myself when I am coming close - but I can look over the past month of posts and say, y'know, these are not the posts of a happy fanfic writer. I got told a week or two ago that someone admired me for taking the punches, rolling and barrelling right on through, refusing to give up. I won't stop doing that - I think I've just decided that not all of it is worth the effort...but my original fiction is. The rest of it can burn.
So.
I quit.
I'll finish Howl, and I'll finish Koji ma Oshi. Maybe. If I hit a point where it's not fun, I won't finish them and I damn won't feel guilty about it. But I'm killing the name Sol1056 once those are done. I'm not sure what I'll do about Scimitar, because frankly, I'm not sure I want to saddle anyone else with the nightmare that's a fandom in which five or six really vociferous goddamn wanky bad apples can push someone like me - who is, all evidence to the contrary, one really fucking patient person - into this point.
Now. I'm going to wish for alcohol, settle for chocolate, and work on original fiction.
Thanks for listening/reading. You can now go back to your regularly scheduled non-angry Sol reading pleasure.