Did I miss something?

[kaigou]

I had to. I had to have missed something. Like, maybe a new world order or something:

After completing the conversation [about the planned sting operation], Liza changed into a short, black leather skirt and a peek-a-boo lace top. On a whim, she ... picked out high-heeled black pumps to complete her outfit. She left her satchel at home, taking only her keys and some money in her pocket before mounting her bike. ... The spring day was mild; the evening fog wouldn’t roll in for another hour or two. Her motorcycle’s engine hummed pleasantly between her bare legs... Though she wore a helmet, the sense of freedom and control made her feel strong, powerful.

I can ignore -- with only minor wincing -- the wordy awkwardness. That's the sort of thing that even damn good authors sometimes need a damn good editor to catch, and while I'm sure the editors at an ebooks publisher do work hard, there is a reason they're not working for Tor. Okay. But.

High-heeled pumps.

On a motorcycle.

Has this author never attempted to actually, oh, RIDE a freaking motorcycle? Does the author have no clue as to the fact that one's feet are busy DOING things while riding, like, say, using one's TOES to shift up/down? You might as freaking well go barefoot, and while I know some twits will ride in flip-flops, that's a far sight from a shoe that CURVES YOUR ARCH -- which means your foot, calf, and thigh are going to angled rather peculiarly to be able to shift. It just does not compute, though I imagine it could be done, it seems pretty stupid.

Which gets me to the stupidest point of all: HAS ANYONE HERE EVER RIDDEN A MOTORCYCLE IN A SHORT SKIRT?

I have, and it wasn't even black leather (which doesn't really stretch). I was, in fact, wearing a short stretch skirt, AND I was on a BMW -- not a wide-seater like a big ol' Harley -- AND the body-lean/peg-position kept my knees up higher and legs together closer than the stretch you need as the main rider. And despite wearing tight, stretchable fabric, I still ended up with that damn skirt at the tops of my thighs for most of the ride home. If you're going to straddle something, a skirt DOES NOT WORK.

Need I add, oh maybe I do for the non-riders like, say, the AUTHOR of this abrupt departure from reality, that you cannot straddle closely, as the main rider, as I could when pillion. There's this little difficulty called AN ENGINE, and the inevitably attached EXHAUST PIPES.

Tell you what, Ms. Otherwise-Okay-But-Seriously-Annoying-My-Technical-Side Author, next time you go driving your car for a good fifteen minutes, stop the car and get out. Open the hood. THEN LAY YOUR BARE FREAKING LEG OVER THE TRANSMISSION.

Yeeeeaahhh, I bet that feels REAL good, don't it.

Once you've recovered from the second-degree burns, then warm the car up again, and this time, when you get out, go to the back of the car. Lay down and prop your legs up so your calf presses good and tight up against the exhaust system.

Oh, yeah, FEEL THE GODDAMN BURN, author.

Wearing a helmet when you're otherwise wearing pretty much NOTHING is sort of like heading naked into a burning building with a wet towel on your head. So you might cut back on the risks of smoke inhalation, but the rest of you is going to be one crispy author.

The author'd better hope she never meets me at any sort of a public gathering. I just might drag her ass out into the parking lot, rip off her jeans, and strap her to CP's big honking Harley, and pin her legs to the engine chassis until she screams. She might hate me for it, but at least I'd get some enjoyment out of the day.

More than I'm getting from that paragraph's visual, certainly.

Comments

[buymeaclue.livejournal.com]

Yah, same here. I guess I might have been able to shrug off the shoes, but the skirt? Never.

[kaigou.livejournal.com]

*bows*


[see also, CP's response, below...hah.]

[kaigou.livejournal.com]

Hell, I don't even drive my car while wearing high heels. How can you slam your foot to the floor, then? Damn heel gets in the way of my lead foot.

[kaigou.livejournal.com]

I think sex-dwarf-robot is probably its own entire genre.

Actually, when describing this to the Harley-rider in the house, the response was, "you're back to reading fantasy, I see."

[kaigou.livejournal.com]

hah, just here to entertain!

[kaigou.livejournal.com]

I'll endeavor to do it more often, then. Happy mornings are a good thing.

[kaigou.livejournal.com]

Ditto... except that the character is a cop. By that token (and that's why I added the note it's for a sting operation), I can accept the rather bizarre getup for a police officer -- but it's also why I couldn't accept that any police officer in his or her right mind would be so stupid as to chance full-body road rash. You'd think any cop would've seen enough of those kinds of accidents in their first few years on the beat. Sheesh.

[kaigou.livejournal.com]

The one time I did it, it was only because I'd been expecting a car ride, and was dismayed to find I'd be on a bike, instead. It was, possibly, the most nerve-wracking (and FREEZING) ride I've ever taken. Unless the temp is about 90F, the wind factor does add up -- not to mention the chapping effect of wind beating on skin, and that's assuming you don't get pinged by insects or random flying road debris.

[kaigou.livejournal.com]

Woot! *heads off to corner author*

[kaigou.livejournal.com]

I've ridden a bicycle in a short skirt, and while it's still a hassle (since your legs are moving and that keeps pushing the skirt up) it's still possible. I just never actually sat down. Much harder to do that on a motorcycle, though...

I think the author's seen one too many chick-movies.

[kaigou.livejournal.com]

What, you mean we don't? Cripes, why doesn't anyone tell me these things!?

[kaigou.livejournal.com]

Well, those silver-dollar sized burns on your calves are such a tasteful accessory, too... honestly.

It's all the rage right now in fantasy-land, I hear.

[kaigou.livejournal.com]

I had to think twice about this one, and consider what kind of response there might be if it were a guy riding a motorcycle wearing tevas and shorts and a tank-top. I suspect we'd mostly consider him stupid for risking the road-rash in accident, but I wonder why it is that a woman on a bike who is also dressing provocatively would give off Sue vibes...

Then, again, would it be less Sue vibes if she were in black slinky leather from head to toe? It might at least knock off the "stupid rider fashion" complaint (because leather is a damn good riding protection) but as for the rest..?

[kaigou.livejournal.com]

Too bad that on your bike, anyone on pillion is two feet higher than you. Bwah.

[kaigou.livejournal.com]

Actually, I suspect it's what you get when an author considers "watching several chick-flick action movies a la Charlie's Angels" counts as valid research.

Not!

[kaigou.livejournal.com]

Haha, I hate those motorcycle ads. Get the damn scrawny-ass bimbo out of the way, I can't see the BIKE!!

[kaigou.livejournal.com]

The kicker? Later it's specified that she's riding a Harley. Those are NOT narrow bikes, people... and even the Sporties are relatively wide. Plus, the character is only about 5'3" or so, which means she'd need a lower ride for proper/safe leg length. And that means, with Harleys, the bike is going to be a lot wider instead. Your knees'd be closer together riding horseback, IMO.

Still... miniskirt. On a bike. *headdesk*

[kaigou.livejournal.com]

*preens*

hehehehe.

[kaigou.livejournal.com]

There you go. I beautify the world through SNARK. Finally, I have found my meaning in life!

*heads off to find new sources of snarkisiciousness*

[kaigou.livejournal.com]

ehehe.

[kaigou.livejournal.com]

Leather skirts do have pockets... they're just not very BIG pockets. I always tend to think: where do the keys get put? Because even if you're only carrying house key and bike key (and few people slim it down nearly as much as that), it's still hard to fit that into the pocket of a tight skirt, or even a pair of tight pants.

Then again, I was a kid who wanted to know how Mike went to the bathroom when he and the steamshovel got trapped in the city hall's basement.

[kaigou.livejournal.com]

Exhaust pipes on bikes... y'know, all you really have to do is stand NEXT to a bike that's just been ridden for a good fifteen or so minutes and you get the distinct impression that leg protection = good invention. Like hell if I'm ever going to get my legs near an exhaust pipe without plenty of jean or leather in the way. (And even at that, CP has mentioned the pipes on his bike heat up enough that he rides with his legs farther apart just to reduce the heat by some small degree.)

As for where to keep money/ID: hahahahahaha. Totally not kosher -- I shall refrain from snark about FISH. Bwahaha.

[kaigou.livejournal.com]

Unless you're riding a bike and you're in a hollywood movie and you've just had eighteen stylists mess with your hair and the bike's on a platform being pulled down the street anyway. *rolls eyes*

Yeah, that's really counting as research, dear author. Just because you saw it in a movie don't make it necessarily so.

[kaigou.livejournal.com]

But I bet the sci-fi babe leg strappies were being used as a modified kind of chaps, plus knee-high boots... (I do consider riding in stilettos to be stupid, but I also acknowledge that some people can drive in them and I can't, so it's not like it's impossible so much as visually/safety-wise stupid IMO.) But still, at least there would be something between the legs and the tar when the bike goes down.

However, astronaut's wife hair just made my day. I am stealing that!

[kaigou.livejournal.com]

Ah, but see, a moped's just not as cool. Well, it's cool, but for an entirely different crowd. Nope, this cop-chick rides a Harley, of course, at which point I gave up altogether and started mentally inserting "drove her small, affordable, late-model hatchback which was the most she could afford on a cop's salary anyway" into the storyline.