Did I miss something?

[kaigou]

I had to. I had to have missed something. Like, maybe a new world order or something:

After completing the conversation [about the planned sting operation], Liza changed into a short, black leather skirt and a peek-a-boo lace top. On a whim, she ... picked out high-heeled black pumps to complete her outfit. She left her satchel at home, taking only her keys and some money in her pocket before mounting her bike. ... The spring day was mild; the evening fog wouldn’t roll in for another hour or two. Her motorcycle’s engine hummed pleasantly between her bare legs... Though she wore a helmet, the sense of freedom and control made her feel strong, powerful.

I can ignore -- with only minor wincing -- the wordy awkwardness. That's the sort of thing that even damn good authors sometimes need a damn good editor to catch, and while I'm sure the editors at an ebooks publisher do work hard, there is a reason they're not working for Tor. Okay. But.

High-heeled pumps.

On a motorcycle.

Has this author never attempted to actually, oh, RIDE a freaking motorcycle? Does the author have no clue as to the fact that one's feet are busy DOING things while riding, like, say, using one's TOES to shift up/down? You might as freaking well go barefoot, and while I know some twits will ride in flip-flops, that's a far sight from a shoe that CURVES YOUR ARCH -- which means your foot, calf, and thigh are going to angled rather peculiarly to be able to shift. It just does not compute, though I imagine it could be done, it seems pretty stupid.

Which gets me to the stupidest point of all: HAS ANYONE HERE EVER RIDDEN A MOTORCYCLE IN A SHORT SKIRT?

I have, and it wasn't even black leather (which doesn't really stretch). I was, in fact, wearing a short stretch skirt, AND I was on a BMW -- not a wide-seater like a big ol' Harley -- AND the body-lean/peg-position kept my knees up higher and legs together closer than the stretch you need as the main rider. And despite wearing tight, stretchable fabric, I still ended up with that damn skirt at the tops of my thighs for most of the ride home. If you're going to straddle something, a skirt DOES NOT WORK.

Need I add, oh maybe I do for the non-riders like, say, the AUTHOR of this abrupt departure from reality, that you cannot straddle closely, as the main rider, as I could when pillion. There's this little difficulty called AN ENGINE, and the inevitably attached EXHAUST PIPES.

Tell you what, Ms. Otherwise-Okay-But-Seriously-Annoying-My-Technical-Side Author, next time you go driving your car for a good fifteen minutes, stop the car and get out. Open the hood. THEN LAY YOUR BARE FREAKING LEG OVER THE TRANSMISSION.

Yeeeeaahhh, I bet that feels REAL good, don't it.

Once you've recovered from the second-degree burns, then warm the car up again, and this time, when you get out, go to the back of the car. Lay down and prop your legs up so your calf presses good and tight up against the exhaust system.

Oh, yeah, FEEL THE GODDAMN BURN, author.

Wearing a helmet when you're otherwise wearing pretty much NOTHING is sort of like heading naked into a burning building with a wet towel on your head. So you might cut back on the risks of smoke inhalation, but the rest of you is going to be one crispy author.

The author'd better hope she never meets me at any sort of a public gathering. I just might drag her ass out into the parking lot, rip off her jeans, and strap her to CP's big honking Harley, and pin her legs to the engine chassis until she screams. She might hate me for it, but at least I'd get some enjoyment out of the day.

More than I'm getting from that paragraph's visual, certainly.

Comments

[sans-pertinence.livejournal.com]

*laughs and laughs and laughs*

*reads again*

*laughs some more*

[smtfhw.livejournal.com]

High-heeled pumps.

On a motorcycle.

Just no...

[autopope.livejournal.com]

It could work ...

If $PROTAG was riding in a sidecar, with her sex dwarf robot elf to do the driving.

(Snort.)

[i-paint-the-sky.livejournal.com]

This review has officially made my day.

[crazy-toffee.livejournal.com]

You know how sad that bit is? It's sad enough that even I - with little, if any, actual technical knowledge at all - frowned and said: Whut?

Your snarking has made my morning a happy one. :)

[aulus-poliutos.livejournal.com]

OMG, that's worse than stirrups on a Roman saddle and potatoes in 12th century Europe.

I have ridden a motorbike in a short shirt and high heels, but only pillion, and even then the guys had something to look at. :) I got me some more suitable clothing after the first time.

[meritjubet.livejournal.com]

I'll post your bail, okay?

I also don't have much technical knowledge, but my eyebrows flew up at the mention of a short skirt. Yeah, right.

[mikkeneko.livejournal.com]

It's bad enough that I see people riding a bicycle in a miniskirt and spike heels...

Dream on....

[thesmorphoros.livejournal.com]

Kind of reminds me of some of Heinlein's heroines who explored strange planets with miniskirts and no underwear...cuz you know we love being accessible at all times to whatever gets a notion to enter our bodies!

[http://users.livejournal.com/tesserae_/]

Well, those silver-dollar sized burns on your calves are such a tasteful accessory, too... honestly. And this is the heroine? Who's supposed to be smart and competent?

[annotated_em]

*facepalms an awful lot* Wow, that's a lot of stupid.

*snorts* Actually, what really makes me cringe about that passage is the Sue vibes--the "Look at how hawt and sexy-powerful I am, that I can ride a motorcycle in high heels and bare legs!" ones.

Yeesh.

[christeos-pir.livejournal.com]

I'm not seeing a problem.

...as long as I as the driver have one hand free to reach behind me.

[ravensilver.livejournal.com]

I've ridden a motocycle - both pillion and as the driver. No. Just... no. Not in a mini-skirt. And *definitely* not in high-heels (how's she gonna *push* the damn thing if she runs out of gas, or into trouble? >.> )

*sigh*

That's what you get when authors don't do research...

[rurounitriv.livejournal.com]

Oh, maaaan. I so hear you on this one. I have ridden a motorcycle, thankyouverymuchidiotauthor, and even if I didn't hate heels, I would NEVEREVEREVER do it in high heels. I'd almost prefer to go barefoot... which is another thing I'd never do, because there's all sorts of nasty stuff on your average roadway that I'd rather not have entering my bloodstream via injection.

As for the miniskirt... methinks the Author has been looking at too many motorcycle ads. Heck, the whole outfit sounds like one of those pictures of those so-called biker babes who've never actually taken one of those bikes out on the road and couldn't lift one that had fallen over if their lives depended on it.

[chibidrunksanzo.livejournal.com]

I... I just... *busts up laughing* As many others, my motorcycle experience has extended to looking longingly at the bikes in the parking lot (several people in my company ride really nice looking bikes). I started laughing at the mini skirt and just didn't stop.

[difrancis.livejournal.com]

I do so love it when you snark. You are really good at it.

And on top of that, you're so totally right.

Di

[tharain.livejournal.com]

I immediately went to the "Pumps on a motorcycle? Who does she think she is? Scully?" place myself.

Oh, and your snark is SUCH a beautiful thing!!

[xian-pu.livejournal.com]

XD

[randomblade.livejournal.com]

Also! Also! Also! What pocket!?

Peekaboo lace top. No Pocket.

Leather mini. Pocket? Better be zip or button-up.

Jacket pocket? No Jacket mentioned.

High-heeled shoe pocket?

Portable pocket Dimension?

Maybe there's a pocket in your leathery, unfeeling, heat-proof thighs?

Tuck your money and keys into your bra, semi-naked lady.

[cosplayeriori.livejournal.com]

You know I've only ridden as a passenger on a motorcycle...last time...when I was like 8years old (that was almost 20 years ago) and even I KNOW that what she is wearing and rideing a motorcycle = IMPOSSIBLE. Also yeah..bear skin + flameing metal = NOT GOOD. I have stories of my brother breaking his leg cause he got off my dads Norton Commando 360 (harley like bike) and getting his leg caught on the exaust pipe..he was wearing shorts. Fill in the gaps.
People with glareing issues...need a boot to the head and then some =_= I like how before even reading the rest of the post..just that snippet of story..I knew just what you where gonna cover. I R SMRT Also yes...WHAT MOTHER FUCKING POCKET?!?! Cause the only place I can think of is A. Totally not kosher and B.I wouldn't take that money after its been there.

[okaasan59.livejournal.com]

Jesus H. Christ. There's a reason real bikers wear leather over nearly their entire bodies. Or at least heavy duty blue jeans.

[windsorblue.livejournal.com]

You know, on occasion I have seen this woman driving about, near my old office, on her humungo-bike of origins I cannot recall while wearing white leather hot pants with the sci-fi babe leg strappies attaching to her knee-high matching stiletto boots. The bike may have been pink. Or sparkly. And she had astronaut's wife hair and looked to be about eleventy, or maybe 45 with too many years spent smoking Cohibas in a tanning booth and/or giving Jack-and-Coke-fueled handjobs to drummers from Rolling Stones cover bands. And I wasn't drunk either time I saw her, so I'm pretty sure she was real.

But at least it wasn't a skirt!

[l-clausewitz.livejournal.com]

It might still be remotely reasonable if she had been riding a moped, but the mention of the engine between her legs certainly rules that possibility out....

[sapphire-hime.livejournal.com]

Hello! This is unrelated to this particular post, but I wasn't sure how to contact you. This is in regard to the comment you've left me in the Gundam00 community post. I appreciate your lengthy response, and I find it well thought out. I apologize for my inability to reply to you there, since your comment is screened, and I am still banned.

I needed to clarify that no where did I accuse Bucue of racism, nor did I mean to imply it in my comment. I was more disturbed by the rough stereotype used, and that did leave a bitter taste in my mouth. Unfortunately, his doses of sarcasm (and I have dealt with him in the past) are often misplaced, inappropriate, or misdirected. I just needed to explain where I'm coming from.