oi, how it does carry on.

[kaigou]

The thing is, I've realized over the past month that I truly dislike working from home. Not in the sense of "every now and then", and hardly in the sense of "because I can't seem to get displined enough to do work" -- it's that I resent the fact that work is here, in my space, in the first place.

This makes me cranky, and then I get avoidant, and it's just all up from there. I dislike sitting at my own desk and thinking, in another room, there's another computer, with a miserable-for-work setup that's barely adequate, with horrible lighting and not enough desk space and I can feel it, down the hall, waiting for me. I want to come home and know that work has been left behind. I don't like avoiding an entire room in my house as though in doing so I can avoid the guilty "I should be working" feeling. When I am home, I do not want guilt!

So naturally after about two weeks of nothing from work -- other than the time I can scrape together to bill, for general stuff -- now there's a meeting tomorrow morning and another on Friday, and it's only by some luck of the universe that neither conflicts with the appointments I really don't want to/can't miss -- one of which is an interview. Somehow my resume worked its way through a state agency's lanes (same agency as where I interviewed two weeks ago, incidentally; I think they recently got a large grant and are beefing up their iT folks) ended up on the CIO's desk (chief information officer, for the non-acronym folk on my flist), and although I had applied for a different position, this manager wanted to know if I'd apply for his; he, and the CIO, thought it'd be straight up my alley.

This is the sort of thing I hear happening to other people, but never to me. I was, to say the least, absolutely gobsmacked. I mean, to call me up, tell me about the job, and ask me if I would please apply (agency and HR regs, had to have The Application Properly Done), here's the job #, and here's my phone #, and my email, and please drop a line when I've sent in the application so the manager can contact HR and make sure the app gets to him, the position only opened a few days ago, here's more details, etc, etc. Wow. I mean, it's nice to be wanted, but that was above and beyond anything I'd expected. When I got home that afternoon, after promising the mgr I'd email him when I'd sent it in, already there was an email waiting for me with his information again, just in case, and to please let him know, etc., etc.

It takes time to go through HR, there's the assurances about contract-employee rates (which this mgr gets points for asking that *before* the interview, giving me time to marshal an answer), and we did the mandatory email-exchanges until tomorrow had been set up as the interview time; it's the earliest everyone can be in the same room. Meanwhile, I carry on with contracting, which is to say: I do nothing but check email in the morning, see nothing, and go about my business -- even if right now that seems to consist mostly of feeling pretty crummy. On the plus side, the prospect of working in an office does create a major impetus to finish some of the projects around the house. It's not like I'll have all day to do it, if I'm elsewhere for nine or more hours daily. I've still not figured out how I'll wrap up the contract, but I've no interest in ruining one thing until the other is certain.

In writing news, there's nothing. I printed GTMD to take with me to Cali, and never touched it; I don't know when I expected to work on it (the plane?) but just had no motivation. It's strange, but it's like I have to get a space large enough, push away all the things clamoring for attention in my life...

I think of it like this: my mental headspace is a large theatre. During times when my mind's not that clear, or I've a lot of unfinished tasks on my plate, the stage looks like someone emptied the props room, and maybe two or three of the coat closets and the mop-closet, all onto the stage. I could put my characters up there to go through their paces, but two steps in any direction and they'd fall over something from a different task or job. There's no room for them to stretch out and tell their story, not when they're hemmed in by all the other things I should be doing or finishing or starting, etc. I need to clear out the mental space for them, and until then, I can't tackle revisions, and the problem is that my internal stage has become so littered in the past month that I feel paralyzed as to how I should even start.

It's a lot like the process of cleaning your room, as a kid: it always seems like halfway through the cleaning/organizing process, the room actually looks far worse. Stuff is everywhere, laid out, piled up, tossed into the corner, and you stand in the middle and think, how the hell did this all fit into that closet, and how will I ever get it back in again, and where do I even start? I can recall so many times as a kid, wanting to have an organized space, wanting things to make sense, and I could get as far as the clearing-out and then I just came to a complete halt; it's times like that, I really need someone with fresh eyeballs to say, "it's not that bad, this isn't insurmountable, look, just start here, and I'll start here, and we'll be done in no time."

Granted, I doubt I'll ever reach a point when that mental stage is completely clear -- I will always be a walking bundle of unfinished projects -- but it needs to at least be somewhat clearer than it is, now. And, for better or worse, having a workspace in my house, unrelated to how I want to spend my time, really pulls on me, becomes this two-ton elephant standing in the middle of the stage. I can't not be aware of it, waiting in that room down the hall.

So, naturally, now I'm going to go hang shelves in the kitchen. Will post pictures later of latest progress.

Comments

[sihaya-chan.livejournal.com]

good luck with the job prospect! =D *cheers you on*

[kaigou.livejournal.com]

Thanks!

[no-ron.livejournal.com]

i can't even begin to imagine working from home. O_o discipline seems like a foreign concept in my world (that needn't be completely true.. i don't think i can be an objective judge) and i'm afraid i'd get nothing done.. or, at least not enough..
then again.. who knows? i might surprise myself.. >_> in any case, it's quite a comfy prospect..
another thig is.. i'd probably become a complete recluse. this way i get at least some company at work..

good luck with the job! starting is always a pain-in-the-ass..

[kaigou.livejournal.com]

i'd probably become a complete recluse. this way i get at least some company at work..

That's actually a big part of it, too: I feel like, when working from home, that I'm missing something, that I'm left out of the loop somehow. The success of my job is predicated entirely upon having as much information as possible, and you just can't get that from sitting at home.

And yes, if I were to work from home exclusively, I would become a recluse. It's one reason I know that if I do ever become a full-time writer, I would most likely continue to find a way to work (even if volunteering) outside the house. I sure as hell could never handle being a stay-at-home mom, not unless I created a routine that got me (and the kid) out of the house everyday, for several hours or more at a time, to interact with other people. Otherwise I end up just feeding on myself rather than getting new insight from outside -- and that, too, seems to make my writing particularly flat, as well, I've noticed.

[no-ron.livejournal.com]

i wonder how much of a precipitating factor that is for the Rice-Hamilton disorder.. :))

[kaigou.livejournal.com]

I betcha it's a huge, huge part -- but then, that's a strong factor for most writers (especially those who've achieved the level of writing full-time, and thus work from home, outside conventions and book-signings). Knowing that is why I've decided on the "always work outside the home" regardless of publishing status.

Okay, that, and the health insurance via employer is far better than what I'd get on my own!

[petenshi.livejournal.com]

Good luck with the job! I know I couldn't work at home, it takes a level of self-discipline that is beyond my reach. *sighs*

[kaigou.livejournal.com]

Ehehe, I heard a rumor you're getting married, though -- so now you'll have someone around to remind you to be self-disciplined!

Erm, isn't that the way it's supposed to work?

[petenshi.livejournal.com]

lol...somehow it sounds good in theory but I'm not sure about the practice.

[rurounitriv.livejournal.com]

Good luck! Sounds like this manager at least knows how to find his butt without a map, hopefully he also knows just as well what he needs from a contractor and is willing to give you what you need to get the job done in a reasonable manner.

[kaigou.livejournal.com]

Eh! It's an employee position -- it's for a major, single project, but when I asked, "what happens after that," he said, "we find something even bigger for you." Okay, can't argue with that.

Then I asked yesterday if there were anything extra to bring with me, and he asked for SRS and UML samples. *headdesk* I've never done Unified Modeling Language, though I grok the basic concept, no problem. I always wonder if managers find it pleasing or annoying when I shrug and casually say that it's like asking me if I can drive a Ford F150 pickup truck. It's all driving; so what if this vehicle has the hazards here and that one has the hazards there?

Guess I should probably shower and, uhm, clean my fingernails before I go. *whistles*

[rurounitriv.livejournal.com]

Then it's even more important that he be able to find his butt with both hands. After all, you can put up with just about anyone short-term, but when it's for years at a time, even if you try to keep it professional, you still spend way too much time together to put up with some things.

Good luck!

[kaigou.livejournal.com]

I met with the team (at least the important players) and they certainly seemed to have an approach I prefer: plenty of information about the project, its place in the org, long-term issues, solid information on the position itself, etc. And it'd seemed like a good group, until the interview started. OMG.

Project manager: Name the qualities most important to you in team-members, on a project.

Me: Hrm... that they all be able to read and write?

PM: *poker face*

Me: Uhm, and a sense of humor?

PM: *poker face*

That's the woman I'd be working for on a daily basis, and if she can't react pleasantly to my quirky sense of humor and irreverence, then... not looking good. (The main manager, the one technically my boss if not daily, seemed more easy-going, but I'd be looking at two years minimum under her daily command, and that... not really feeling like a nifty thing -- certainly not worth the drop in cash, however many benefits I'd get. Sigh.)

I definitely preferred the other team more, and the rapport. Now I just need to see if I can salvage it, and influence the slow-agency process back to considering me the top possibility for the job. Bleah!

[rurounitriv.livejournal.com]

Yikes. No, a sense of humor is definitely important in a coworker - and even more so with your supervisor. :/

[difrancis.livejournal.com]

way cool on the job. And I so get your metaphor of the stage and the half cleaned room. I've been there.

Di

[kaigou.livejournal.com]

Yeh, now here's hoping the job (a) turns out to have opportunity for career growth and (b) is one I actually get. *goes all tense in pre-interview hours*

Getting a lot done on the kitchen yesterday was a huge step towards clearing out the mental attic -- next up, doing something about those gaps where there should be shelves. Because, honestly, we really NEED more shelves. I feel like it's a constant battle to come up with more shelves, build more, and then I turn around to find we've already maxed out on those and I need to start more.

Contemplating bookshelves and book quantities in this house makes me feel like John Henry.

[kraehe.livejournal.com]

I usually work from home one day a week. The computer desk is upstairs in the spare bedroom. I maintain defined times for work, and don't work outside those times. Limits/boundaries help.

I guess the reason I started the once-a-week telecommute is that it allows me to have a day with some quiet time, sort-of -- no coworkers popping in for a chat, even if I do have to answer email. I'm so busy running around on the weekend that it's nice to have a day by myself.

During last week's ice storm, both K and I were home; he spent the day downstairs on the couch watching TV while I worked, and it wasn't the same.

[kaigou.livejournal.com]

One-day-a-week, I can handle without issue; in fact, there are a lot of times when I need to concentrate on a major document and it's just not happening at work. I've often said, "I'm taking this home," and then I end up at the dining room table with the document spread out and I revise like mad, make notes, analyze, and come into work the next day with a clearer picture. It's the every-single-day-at-home that wears on me. I may be an introvert but I still require intellectual input from coworkers to make sure my analyses aren't totally off-bat -- okay, maybe I don't *completely* require it, but I enjoy it.

[kraehe.livejournal.com]

Yes, I think working from home every day would make me feel too isolated.

[kaigou.livejournal.com]

Yeah, 'isolated' is the right word. I don't mind the peace and quiet, but I dislike knowing I'm sitting here, twiddling my thumbs, when there could be stuff going on elsewhere to keep me busy. Well, that, and the amusement factor of being able to interact with people. The meetings and presentations where I've got to do a lot of the talking -- yeah, those wear me out. But getting up in the morning and knowing I can stop by and chat with someone, bounce ideas off folks, get input and insight I don't have myself... I miss that.

Still, what I'd love best is to be in charge of my own team. I am so overdue, I want it so much, and I really hope that today's interview reveals this is -- if not a current element -- a possibility down the road. I'm tired of always being the "and then that's our analyst over there" hanger-on. Sigh.

However, now I should stop stalling and go take a shower and figure out what the hell I'm going to WEAR, where are my clean blouses? and then figure out what to print out & take with me, since they asked for SRS and UML and what I do have is proprietary. Crap, I miss the days of Word-documents, when I could save a copy and go back and strip out the identifying information... and I didn't even think to do it at any point while working (I never do, ugh) so I could keep a copy for my portfolio down the road. Bad planning!

(Yes, I'm still stalling.)