new study out!
31 Oct 2004 02:43 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
kaigou"SCIENTISTS SAY SOL IS COMPREHENSIBLE"
excerpt from Cahokia Town Journal
(printed monthly, subscription availble for $5 in three easy payments)
page 6, back cover, reprinted from Weekly World News
The Journal for Ethnomyogenetic Studies has released a long-awaited white paper on the linguistic and behavoiral adaptations of the Sol, of which currently only one is known to exist in captivity. Despite critics' long-standing claims that the Sol's series of grunts, glares, and shrugs, combined with rapid-fire speech is nothing more than vapid reptition of advertising slogans and left-wing propaganda, the new study claims to have translated a number of phrases into English. For many years, these collected samples were incomprehensible to all but a select highly-trained individuals, many of whom decried the Sol not as a new species but as a genetic mutant; many expressed fears that if the Sol were allowed to breed, these tendencies might be carried to new generations. The claim that the creature known as Sol, tentatively placed on the evolutionary scale somewhere between the moose and the platypus, may actually be capable of intelligent conversation, has shaken the ethnomyonology world in a manner measurable on the Richter scale at a level of about .075.
A presentation based on the study was given at last week's National Conference of Anthropaleontology Sociology, since there are only five current ethnomyonologists in the world, and they've all read the study already. The conference, which occurred in the scenic downtown metropolis of Sabetha, Kansas, was attended by a record of three journalists; two were from the town's high school newspaper, and the third was this writer from the Weekly World News. The presentation was dense, while informative, and filled with such highly scientific terms as "wheretofor" and "hereinafter." But for many people, the basic glossary of translated terms may have answered the question once and for all.
The scientists have collected their translations, and are planning on publishing a twenty-page dictionary within the next ten years, or as soon as government funding is available. Some of the basic English-to-Sol translations were released, however, and the findings are intriguing.
If you are ever unlucky enough to interact with the rare and highly avoided Sol, the following may be of some use for understanding this strange beast.
COMMON CONVERSATIONAL PHRASES
SOL: Hn.
ENG: [several possible translations, most common usage listed]
1. Really? That's so interesting.
2. Hunh. Didn't know that. Whatever.
3. Were you saying something? I wasn't listening.
SOL: Am I early?
ENG: I didn't want to actually have to do chores, so I left early.
SOL: Am I late?
ENG: I was writing and it was far more interesting than anything I figured would happen while hanging out with you, so I didn't bother to leave when I said I would.
SOL: I did some writing.
ENG: Today I only wrote 18,000 words.
SOL: I have a few projects I've been needing to finish.
ENG: I have to put up shelves in the study, rearrange the basement, clean up the bedroom, buy groceries, arrange for house repairs and carpet cleaning, burn a hundred and forty-two episodes of various anime, finish two chapters, walk the dogs, and pick up some sandpaper.
SOL: I have to put up shelves in the study, rearrange the basement, clean up the bedroom, buy groceries, arrange for house repairs and carpet cleaning, burn a hundred and forty-two episodes of various anime, finish two chapters, walk the dogs, and pick up some sandpaper.
ENG: I hate doing laundry.
SOCIO-CULTURAL TOPICS
The Sol often uses short-hand terms to encapsulate complex notions, such as the following.
"The feminist critique of this popular culture is valid. Look at the gender roles we're forced to play, and the continuing insistence that our goals and options in life should be determined solely by our biological positions. Utterly ridiculous, that people could still believe such crap, and others would go along with it." In Sol, this becomes, "I'm going to Otakon in drag."
Or, "I hate SUVs and minivans, and it's worse when it's a short driver! Plus, they take up a parking space and a half! Honestly, I get behind one on the road and I'm always so glad when I can pass them. There should be extra tests for large vehicles; if you can't drive 'em, you shouldn't be allowed to own them." In Sol, this becomes, "Eat my german dust, you stupid minivan."
Or finally, where a human would explain, "I made a list of what exactly I wanted, headed into the store, moved through at roughly five miles per hour on foot, grabbed three things as I passed, checked the tags and ditched two before reaching the check-out, purchased what was left and cleared the retail environment in ten minutes flat", in Sol, this is expressed as, "I went shopping."
PERSONAL INTERACTIONS
SOL: Everyone's entitled to their opinion.
ENG: What you just said is the stupidest, most unbelievably dense and idiotic thing I've heard all day, and believe me, I've heard a lot all day.
SOL: Touch me again and I'll break your fuckin' arm.
ENG: I'd really appreciate if you wouldn't try to touch me, as we don't quite know each other well enough yet that such affection is really appropriate.
SOL: I've been thinking.
ENG: I had the most amazing revelation that just made me stop and wonder about the way the world works, and our place in it, and what it really means to be existing in the world, and I've come to a phenomenal realization.
SOL: Maybe later I will [activity].
ENG: I've thought long and hard about this, and I'm positive that this is the right decision for me. Nothing you say can change my mind, because I've decided it's the best choice for me to [activity].
SOL: Wanna hug?
ENG: Your friendship means so much to me, and I want to tell you how important it is to have you in my life.
SOL: I need a hug.
ENG: I'm depressed, to the point that I have no purpose in life, there's no joy, and I can't seem to motivate myself to do anything more than lie in bed and sleep. Maybe when I wake up it'll all be better but it's still dark and hopeless...
SOL: Fifteen minutes, and I'm going to bed. Really.
ENG: I guess I'll be done with this chapter in the next two hours, and then I'll probably watch more Naruto, and maybe reread my chapter, then answer some email, and I'll be going to bed hopefully at least before dawn.
INTIMATE INTERACTIONS
SOL: I did the dishes.
ENG: I love you.
SOL: I vacuumed.
ENG: I really love you.
SOL: I cleaned the bathroom.
ENG: I really, really love you.
SOL: I did the laundry.
ENG: I adore you like nothing else on this planet; you give meaning to my life and bring joy to my existence every day.
ADDITIONAL NOTES
Phrases for which there is no identifiable equivalent in Sol-speak, or for which there may be no existing concept:
- I love to go shopping.
- Red Lobster has the best seafood.
- Pretty dresses make a day special.
- Cars are a mystery to me.
- I could talk on the phone for hours.
- American beer is great, thanks.
- I just adore romantic movies.
- Does this make me look fat?
The scary thing is that the folks who know me in person might actually agree with a number of these...
excerpt from Cahokia Town Journal
(printed monthly, subscription availble for $5 in three easy payments)
page 6, back cover, reprinted from Weekly World News
The Journal for Ethnomyogenetic Studies has released a long-awaited white paper on the linguistic and behavoiral adaptations of the Sol, of which currently only one is known to exist in captivity. Despite critics' long-standing claims that the Sol's series of grunts, glares, and shrugs, combined with rapid-fire speech is nothing more than vapid reptition of advertising slogans and left-wing propaganda, the new study claims to have translated a number of phrases into English. For many years, these collected samples were incomprehensible to all but a select highly-trained individuals, many of whom decried the Sol not as a new species but as a genetic mutant; many expressed fears that if the Sol were allowed to breed, these tendencies might be carried to new generations. The claim that the creature known as Sol, tentatively placed on the evolutionary scale somewhere between the moose and the platypus, may actually be capable of intelligent conversation, has shaken the ethnomyonology world in a manner measurable on the Richter scale at a level of about .075.
A presentation based on the study was given at last week's National Conference of Anthropaleontology Sociology, since there are only five current ethnomyonologists in the world, and they've all read the study already. The conference, which occurred in the scenic downtown metropolis of Sabetha, Kansas, was attended by a record of three journalists; two were from the town's high school newspaper, and the third was this writer from the Weekly World News. The presentation was dense, while informative, and filled with such highly scientific terms as "wheretofor" and "hereinafter." But for many people, the basic glossary of translated terms may have answered the question once and for all.
The scientists have collected their translations, and are planning on publishing a twenty-page dictionary within the next ten years, or as soon as government funding is available. Some of the basic English-to-Sol translations were released, however, and the findings are intriguing.
If you are ever unlucky enough to interact with the rare and highly avoided Sol, the following may be of some use for understanding this strange beast.
COMMON CONVERSATIONAL PHRASES
SOL: Hn.
ENG: [several possible translations, most common usage listed]
1. Really? That's so interesting.
2. Hunh. Didn't know that. Whatever.
3. Were you saying something? I wasn't listening.
SOL: Am I early?
ENG: I didn't want to actually have to do chores, so I left early.
SOL: Am I late?
ENG: I was writing and it was far more interesting than anything I figured would happen while hanging out with you, so I didn't bother to leave when I said I would.
SOL: I did some writing.
ENG: Today I only wrote 18,000 words.
SOL: I have a few projects I've been needing to finish.
ENG: I have to put up shelves in the study, rearrange the basement, clean up the bedroom, buy groceries, arrange for house repairs and carpet cleaning, burn a hundred and forty-two episodes of various anime, finish two chapters, walk the dogs, and pick up some sandpaper.
SOL: I have to put up shelves in the study, rearrange the basement, clean up the bedroom, buy groceries, arrange for house repairs and carpet cleaning, burn a hundred and forty-two episodes of various anime, finish two chapters, walk the dogs, and pick up some sandpaper.
ENG: I hate doing laundry.
SOCIO-CULTURAL TOPICS
The Sol often uses short-hand terms to encapsulate complex notions, such as the following.
"The feminist critique of this popular culture is valid. Look at the gender roles we're forced to play, and the continuing insistence that our goals and options in life should be determined solely by our biological positions. Utterly ridiculous, that people could still believe such crap, and others would go along with it." In Sol, this becomes, "I'm going to Otakon in drag."
Or, "I hate SUVs and minivans, and it's worse when it's a short driver! Plus, they take up a parking space and a half! Honestly, I get behind one on the road and I'm always so glad when I can pass them. There should be extra tests for large vehicles; if you can't drive 'em, you shouldn't be allowed to own them." In Sol, this becomes, "Eat my german dust, you stupid minivan."
Or finally, where a human would explain, "I made a list of what exactly I wanted, headed into the store, moved through at roughly five miles per hour on foot, grabbed three things as I passed, checked the tags and ditched two before reaching the check-out, purchased what was left and cleared the retail environment in ten minutes flat", in Sol, this is expressed as, "I went shopping."
PERSONAL INTERACTIONS
SOL: Everyone's entitled to their opinion.
ENG: What you just said is the stupidest, most unbelievably dense and idiotic thing I've heard all day, and believe me, I've heard a lot all day.
SOL: Touch me again and I'll break your fuckin' arm.
ENG: I'd really appreciate if you wouldn't try to touch me, as we don't quite know each other well enough yet that such affection is really appropriate.
SOL: I've been thinking.
ENG: I had the most amazing revelation that just made me stop and wonder about the way the world works, and our place in it, and what it really means to be existing in the world, and I've come to a phenomenal realization.
SOL: Maybe later I will [activity].
ENG: I've thought long and hard about this, and I'm positive that this is the right decision for me. Nothing you say can change my mind, because I've decided it's the best choice for me to [activity].
SOL: Wanna hug?
ENG: Your friendship means so much to me, and I want to tell you how important it is to have you in my life.
SOL: I need a hug.
ENG: I'm depressed, to the point that I have no purpose in life, there's no joy, and I can't seem to motivate myself to do anything more than lie in bed and sleep. Maybe when I wake up it'll all be better but it's still dark and hopeless...
SOL: Fifteen minutes, and I'm going to bed. Really.
ENG: I guess I'll be done with this chapter in the next two hours, and then I'll probably watch more Naruto, and maybe reread my chapter, then answer some email, and I'll be going to bed hopefully at least before dawn.
INTIMATE INTERACTIONS
SOL: I did the dishes.
ENG: I love you.
SOL: I vacuumed.
ENG: I really love you.
SOL: I cleaned the bathroom.
ENG: I really, really love you.
SOL: I did the laundry.
ENG: I adore you like nothing else on this planet; you give meaning to my life and bring joy to my existence every day.
ADDITIONAL NOTES
Phrases for which there is no identifiable equivalent in Sol-speak, or for which there may be no existing concept:
- I love to go shopping.
- Red Lobster has the best seafood.
- Pretty dresses make a day special.
- Cars are a mystery to me.
- I could talk on the phone for hours.
- American beer is great, thanks.
- I just adore romantic movies.
- Does this make me look fat?
The scary thing is that the folks who know me in person might actually agree with a number of these...
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 31 Oct 2004 12:00 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 31 Oct 2004 12:12 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 31 Oct 2004 12:33 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 31 Oct 2004 01:09 pm (UTC)Unfortunately, I understand that the photo that accompanied the WWN report was blurred and too obscure to make out any details, but photocryptographic analysis has revealed something sinister:
no subject
Date: 1 Nov 2004 06:10 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 31 Oct 2004 02:05 pm (UTC)ENG: I adore you like nothing else on this planet; you give meaning to my life and bring joy to my existence every day.
SOL: I did the laundry.
that was about when I cracked up. XD It reminds me of that "Duoese translated into english" fic. It was so funny.
*sends cuddles*
no subject
Date: 1 Nov 2004 06:09 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 1 Nov 2004 01:58 pm (UTC)Wanna hug?
no subject
Date: 1 Nov 2004 02:31 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2 Nov 2004 02:15 am (UTC)