For ten years now, my step-mother has struggled with visiting the Southern relatives every holiday -- my dad is a regular visitor to see his first, second, and third cousins. Poor G, translating directly from the Swedish with what sounds good to her: "Put that on the table." Oh, my, the ruffled feathers the first year! My father had to run interference, just about wore him out, trying to convince his new wife to at least add a "please" or start it with a "could you" and G tried, but it was obvious she just didn't get why she had to coddle anyone, when it's just a damn plate to be put on the damn table. (Meanwhile, my sister and I are cracking up in the background, because it was like Absolute Culture Smash unfolding right in front of us, and all over how one asks to put stuff on the freaking table.)
I'm pretty brash (compared to what I heard growing up), but even now, I can only tone-down about as far as, "Could you put this on the table?" If someone were to say to me, "put this on the table," my instantaneous reaction would be, "What am I, your servant? Who are you to order me around?" I mean, if there's at least a please on the end, I'll live, but still. The only time you hear that construction in the South is when it's your grandmother and you've really pissed her off, that's when you get a direct order: so getting direct orders means you've screwed up somehow, or the person isn't happy with you, or you're being corrected (and public correction is a huge shame issue, right up there with arguing in public).
I think a better way to put it is that it's not manipulation -- I see the Jewish mothers I know, with their way of so adroitly mixing "put this on the table" with incredibly thick yet subtle guilt!guilt!guilt! that implies you're a bad kid who's never put anything on the table and you're driving your mother into an early grave for it -- now that's manipulation. (And it's also manipulation that doesn't work on me at all, because the mix of order+guilt just baffles me; I'm used to guilting being tied up with a smile, not a tirade.) To me, the Southern style has a goal of presenting an image of harmony, and the excessive agreement-begging is a way to remind you of that, in case you were about to fall down on the Southern job and decline/deny, in which case, it's tantamount to arguing and you don't do that in public.
Okay, so maybe it's a form of manipulation, but... it's also a really easy one to subvert. All you have to do is give a flat "no," and every Southerner in the room will freeze. For nearly every Southerner I've ever known (especially among older women*), that kind of sudden negation completely disarms them, because it's counter to the usual patterns. Their culture locks them into certain options for response (none of which include dressing you down in front of others for your disagreement), so if you're public and blunt, they have no tools to fight it. Unless you've gone too far, in which case, what's been locked up under pressure may explode and then you'll have serious damage on your hands. Southerners are awfully polite, but when the back's to the wall, not a one of them I've ever known can't get vicious.
* exception: nurses. I think there's something in a nurse's training that overrides the Southern compulsions, because my paternal grandmother would freely order everyone about, if she was focused on something and expected you to hop to it. And giving her a sulky "no" wouldn't make her eyes bulge (like my other grandmother or great-aunts), it'd make Nana dress you down right then and there. She didn't waste time on the niceties, or maybe it was just that she saw "grandchildren" as being in the same category as "candy-stripers" or something.
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Date: 14 Jan 2011 04:38 pm (UTC)I'm pretty brash (compared to what I heard growing up), but even now, I can only tone-down about as far as, "Could you put this on the table?" If someone were to say to me, "put this on the table," my instantaneous reaction would be, "What am I, your servant? Who are you to order me around?" I mean, if there's at least a please on the end, I'll live, but still. The only time you hear that construction in the South is when it's your grandmother and you've really pissed her off, that's when you get a direct order: so getting direct orders means you've screwed up somehow, or the person isn't happy with you, or you're being corrected (and public correction is a huge shame issue, right up there with arguing in public).
I think a better way to put it is that it's not manipulation -- I see the Jewish mothers I know, with their way of so adroitly mixing "put this on the table" with incredibly thick yet subtle guilt!guilt!guilt! that implies you're a bad kid who's never put anything on the table and you're driving your mother into an early grave for it -- now that's manipulation. (And it's also manipulation that doesn't work on me at all, because the mix of order+guilt just baffles me; I'm used to guilting being tied up with a smile, not a tirade.) To me, the Southern style has a goal of presenting an image of harmony, and the excessive agreement-begging is a way to remind you of that, in case you were about to fall down on the Southern job and decline/deny, in which case, it's tantamount to arguing and you don't do that in public.
Okay, so maybe it's a form of manipulation, but... it's also a really easy one to subvert. All you have to do is give a flat "no," and every Southerner in the room will freeze. For nearly every Southerner I've ever known (especially among older women*), that kind of sudden negation completely disarms them, because it's counter to the usual patterns. Their culture locks them into certain options for response (none of which include dressing you down in front of others for your disagreement), so if you're public and blunt, they have no tools to fight it. Unless you've gone too far, in which case, what's been locked up under pressure may explode and then you'll have serious damage on your hands. Southerners are awfully polite, but when the back's to the wall, not a one of them I've ever known can't get vicious.
* exception: nurses. I think there's something in a nurse's training that overrides the Southern compulsions, because my paternal grandmother would freely order everyone about, if she was focused on something and expected you to hop to it. And giving her a sulky "no" wouldn't make her eyes bulge (like my other grandmother or great-aunts), it'd make Nana dress you down right then and there. She didn't waste time on the niceties, or maybe it was just that she saw "grandchildren" as being in the same category as "candy-stripers" or something.