And they apologized to me for witnessing their "argument" and I was thinking, "... what argument?"
Hah, I've been in that position, having a "very tense conversation" (which, if in public, I consider an argument) and feeling it necessary to apologize to friends. Another way to identify a Southerner: they'll automatically pretend like they saw nothing. Anyone not Southern will just stare at you like you've grown a second head for thinking that hissed conversation was an actual argument.
But I think you hit the nail on the head, there: that it's a matter of face. So long as you present a good appearance that doesn't ruffle the social harmony, you can get away with just about anything. But if you do something that disturbs the appearance of social harmony, then it doesn't matter whether or not you had a good reason, sometimes. It's still a loss of face.
Hell, that was my mother's biggest threat, growing up -- that if she had to punish us in public, that "everyone here will know", and that was a massive shame-inducer for both my sister and myself. When I've repeated that childhood recollection to other adults, many of the fellow Southerners will nod their heads and say, oh, yeah, that was a standard, while non-Southern-raised adults look at me like I was some sort of Stepford child or something, for actually caring what anyone else would think. Like it wasn't the audience's business, so why have any concern for them? I get that notion, but it doesn't change the fact that public humiliation -- and loss of face is a type of humiliation -- still holds huge power over me.
On the other hand, I prefer having learned that lesson, because I like being a person who doesn't force other people to witness and/or be part of anything I consider private, like arguments.
no subject
Date: 14 Jan 2011 04:05 pm (UTC)Hah, I've been in that position, having a "very tense conversation" (which, if in public, I consider an argument) and feeling it necessary to apologize to friends. Another way to identify a Southerner: they'll automatically pretend like they saw nothing. Anyone not Southern will just stare at you like you've grown a second head for thinking that hissed conversation was an actual argument.
But I think you hit the nail on the head, there: that it's a matter of face. So long as you present a good appearance that doesn't ruffle the social harmony, you can get away with just about anything. But if you do something that disturbs the appearance of social harmony, then it doesn't matter whether or not you had a good reason, sometimes. It's still a loss of face.
Hell, that was my mother's biggest threat, growing up -- that if she had to punish us in public, that "everyone here will know", and that was a massive shame-inducer for both my sister and myself. When I've repeated that childhood recollection to other adults, many of the fellow Southerners will nod their heads and say, oh, yeah, that was a standard, while non-Southern-raised adults look at me like I was some sort of Stepford child or something, for actually caring what anyone else would think. Like it wasn't the audience's business, so why have any concern for them? I get that notion, but it doesn't change the fact that public humiliation -- and loss of face is a type of humiliation -- still holds huge power over me.
On the other hand, I prefer having learned that lesson, because I like being a person who doesn't force other people to witness and/or be part of anything I consider private, like arguments.