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kaigouAt Nissan dealer. I mention I used to have a Porsche 914. Turns out our salesman used to have two, a '68 and '71; mine was a '70. Naturally this led to...
Salesman: It's such a great car, and no reason to spend all that money on Porsche parts, it's just a Volkswagon engine!
Me: A Bus-4 engine, at that -- parts are a dime a dozen! I had a mechanic tell me the Porsche clutch cable'd be a hundred bucks, so I walked across the street to the local Buggy Barn and picked up a replacement VW cable for $10!
Salesman: Oh, yeah! I did the same thing when I had to replace my brakes, all that money for just having Porsche stamped on it!
CP: *cough*
Salesman: And the best part is you have tons of friends when you have a Targa!
Me: Oh, no, way, I switched out the shocks and put in Bilsteins, tightened them up to the limit, and all it took was one ride and none of my friends would ride with me after that!
Salesman: What, they didn't like being in a car that's only two inches off the ground?
CP: *COUGH* We're here about a new car...
Me: Not when the ride's that tight! Man, I miss that suspension!
Salesman: And it was so easy to work on, and so much you could do with it! I upped the butterflies and recalibrated the sparks to just a micro wider and that engine just roared!
Me: I put in dual Dellorto racing carbs!
Salesman: That's awesome! Nothing like having to balance--
CP: *COUGH* New cars. You two can geek out later. Right now we're--
Me: Carbs! With the little mirror over it so you didn't get a backfire--
CP: --for a--
Salesman: --and burn off your eyebrows--
CP: NEW CAR. *POINTED LOOK*
Salesman: Uhm. *looks sideways*
Me: Uhm. *looks sideways*
Salesman: *opens mouth*
Me: *opens mouth*
CP: *EYES NARROW*
Salesman: *shuts mouth*
Me: *shuts mouth*
CP: *looks satisfied*
A little backstory, perhaps: clutch cable broke on veedub; decision was made (while veedub was out of earshot) to, hrmm, maybe, y'know, consider a second car. Requirements: must be as gas-savvy as possible, must be able to roadtrip sweetly, must be quick and spunky and maneuverable because we live in the land of Oblivions and it's better to avoid if you aren't big enough to plow through. Also: must not have the freaking console in the MIDDLE OF THE DASHBOARD.
(Aside to car interior designers: who the hell ever designing the Cooper ever thought it was a good idea to put a speedometer in the dashboard -- where the RADIO is on most cars -- and a speedometer that's approximately 10" across with numbers about 1" high? Is this so the people in the car behind you can also see how fast you're going? Was the designer a parent who wanted to be able to back-seat drive permanently? Ignoring of course that there isn't really much of a backseat in a Cooper, anyway.)
The Honda Fit is cute, meets most requirements, and... the base version has nothing. The next-grade Fit has the security, windows, blah blah blah, along with ridiculous nonsense like a spoiler (dude, I know spoilers, and believe me, a three-inch piece of plastic across the top back window is not improving the drag coefficient half so much as it's just creating a nifty place for DIRT TO HIDE) and plastic thingies along the side/belly of the car. Rates a big whatever. Also, it's a 1.5liter engine. The Harley has a 1.5liter engine. The veedub has a 2.0liter. Do I really want to be stuck driving around a car with an engine barely bigger than your average riding lawn mower?
Hmmm... The Yaris has that dashboard-in-the-middle thing; the Scion is not just an abbreviated shoebox, it's also an abbreviated shoebox 6" higher off the ground, between car-floor and car-seat, than my veedub, which creates the unnerving sensation of driving in a highchair. The Nissan Versa has a number of nice features, but again, driving in a dining room chair. (CP: "While sitting on a phone book.")
While at the Nissan dealer, however, we got into the topic of possible used cars. A Honda Fit ('08, 29K) had just arrived, and I said I'd give it a look. Oh, the salesman says, we also have a Cooper.
Me: A Cooper. No.
Salesman: It's a convertible!
Me: Then pretty much no.
Salesman: And it's bright red!
Me: Then ABSOLUTELY NO.
My family calls that "police-invigoratin' red" for a reason, buddy. (And Nissan either gets points added or taken away, not sure, for calling its red, "Alert Red" -- and they wonder why I declared that I will absolutely not, under no condition, in no way, ever purchase a red car. Sheesh. Let alone a red convertible! I pay enough in taxes. I'm not helping the state out more by funding half their programs on my speeding tickets alone.)
Then another the salesman thought of, not sure if it was in our price range. I said, well, if I can reasonably expect the car will make it to 200K miles (and hopefully beyond), then I'm willing to pay a bit more knowing I'll get a good ten years or more driving from it. With the caveat that if it's used, it must be low years and high mileage, because short of complete driving/maintenance records, that's the only way to be assured the car got predominantly highway driving. I just don't trust the majority of drivers out there when it comes to brakes and clutches; those things are the most dangerous when they go down, and they're also the most likely to be damaged by bad or inexperienced drivers, and they're also issues that can be fixed for little enough that you can't justify ditching the car but still expensive enough to fix that it's a burden. Or maybe I just hate having to clean up after a driver who screwed up a car because the driver just didn't know how to freaking drive.
Which brings us to:
Salesman: It's a Subaru.
Me: I've never heard of a Subaru making it past 85K.
Salesman: They're not that bad.
Me: Okay. 90K if you're very very good.
Salesman: It's fully loaded!
Me: You see that car right there, in the parking lot? That's a '96 Veedub. You also know I drove a 914 for several years. Do I look like someone who cares about 'fully loaded'?
Salesman: It's got GPS?
Me: This town's so small I can drive north to south in fifteen minutes! Why would I need a GPS when I'm never more than fifteen minutes from home? I can get lost as much as anyone but when I never get more than twenty miles from home, if I'm getting lost then, I deserve whatever I get.
Salesman: It's got turbo?
Me: That's the kiss of death.
Salesman: It's a really awesome driving experience?
Me: What's the mileage per gallon?
Salesman: *checks paperwork* It's got 12K on it.
Me: Mileage per gallon.
Salesman: Oh. Let me check on that.
Me: Weight?
Salesman: *blinks* Heavier than the Versa. *starts to rattle off safety features*
Me: Two years old, was probably exclusively in-city driving stop-and-go, weighs more, its miles-per-gallon is going to be a lot worse and on top of that, I've got to wonder about clutch and brake wear. Not interested.
Salesman: *wheedling* You could at least look.
Me: Uh. Hunh.
CP: *returns* What's this?
Salesman: *chipper again* A used Subaru! Fully loaded! Come this way!
...we get to the car...
Me: It's black.
Salesman: It's not red!
Me: It's black with black interior. Black leather interior.
Salesman: ...
Me: Have you noticed how hot it is today?
Salesman: ...there's just no pleasing you, is there.
Me: No. No, there's not, unless you have a blue or silver BMW 325i convertible--
Salesman: --uh--
Me: --that's a hybrid.
Salesman: ...
Me: *waits*
Salesman: I don't think those come in hybrid.
Me: I rest my case.
Salesman: ...
Me: But in the meantime I still won't buy a black car with a black leather interior in a state where July temps range in the upper 90s.
Eventually word comes around that the just-arrived used Honda Fit (a trade-in) was cleared by the mechanics, who'd seen no need for any major work other than an oil change. (And, I figured out today, possibly four new tires, sometime in the next few months.) Here's where it's really crazy: they're willing to loan us the car, for a day or so. Just to see what we think. (What? Can they do that?) I tell them I'll take it to a nearby mechanic to give me a second opinion, and then we'll get back to them -- after doing a good hour's highway driving outside the city, of course, though to be really testing it, I should take it into the hills and see how it handles my favorite kind of twisty roads.
Keep in mind that through all this, each time I said I would not, under any condition, buy a red car, someone near by would make some comment about the old joke about the wife who doesn't care what car it is, so long as it's blue. (Yes, I have met women like that, and yes, I am at least diplomatic enough now that I can grit my teeth and let the inanity pass by without comment.)
This morning it occurred to me -- in the bright cheerful morning sunshine -- that the color of this particular car sitting in our driveway is really very... blue. You might even say it's a noisily self-declarative blue. Yep, that's blue.
Come to think of it, so is this. And they even have similarly so-boxy-it's-cute sort of shapes.
Me: I just realized, the honda's color reminds me an awful lot of a Tachikoma.
CP: That right there is reason enough to buy the car!
Me: You so did not just say that.
CP: We can call it the Tachikoma!
Me: ...
CP: We can say, I'm taking the Tachi out for a spin!
Me: *facepalm*
Salesman: It's such a great car, and no reason to spend all that money on Porsche parts, it's just a Volkswagon engine!
Me: A Bus-4 engine, at that -- parts are a dime a dozen! I had a mechanic tell me the Porsche clutch cable'd be a hundred bucks, so I walked across the street to the local Buggy Barn and picked up a replacement VW cable for $10!
Salesman: Oh, yeah! I did the same thing when I had to replace my brakes, all that money for just having Porsche stamped on it!
CP: *cough*
Salesman: And the best part is you have tons of friends when you have a Targa!
Me: Oh, no, way, I switched out the shocks and put in Bilsteins, tightened them up to the limit, and all it took was one ride and none of my friends would ride with me after that!
Salesman: What, they didn't like being in a car that's only two inches off the ground?
CP: *COUGH* We're here about a new car...
Me: Not when the ride's that tight! Man, I miss that suspension!
Salesman: And it was so easy to work on, and so much you could do with it! I upped the butterflies and recalibrated the sparks to just a micro wider and that engine just roared!
Me: I put in dual Dellorto racing carbs!
Salesman: That's awesome! Nothing like having to balance--
CP: *COUGH* New cars. You two can geek out later. Right now we're--
Me: Carbs! With the little mirror over it so you didn't get a backfire--
CP: --for a--
Salesman: --and burn off your eyebrows--
CP: NEW CAR. *POINTED LOOK*
Salesman: Uhm. *looks sideways*
Me: Uhm. *looks sideways*
Salesman: *opens mouth*
Me: *opens mouth*
CP: *EYES NARROW*
Salesman: *shuts mouth*
Me: *shuts mouth*
CP: *looks satisfied*
A little backstory, perhaps: clutch cable broke on veedub; decision was made (while veedub was out of earshot) to, hrmm, maybe, y'know, consider a second car. Requirements: must be as gas-savvy as possible, must be able to roadtrip sweetly, must be quick and spunky and maneuverable because we live in the land of Oblivions and it's better to avoid if you aren't big enough to plow through. Also: must not have the freaking console in the MIDDLE OF THE DASHBOARD.
(Aside to car interior designers: who the hell ever designing the Cooper ever thought it was a good idea to put a speedometer in the dashboard -- where the RADIO is on most cars -- and a speedometer that's approximately 10" across with numbers about 1" high? Is this so the people in the car behind you can also see how fast you're going? Was the designer a parent who wanted to be able to back-seat drive permanently? Ignoring of course that there isn't really much of a backseat in a Cooper, anyway.)
The Honda Fit is cute, meets most requirements, and... the base version has nothing. The next-grade Fit has the security, windows, blah blah blah, along with ridiculous nonsense like a spoiler (dude, I know spoilers, and believe me, a three-inch piece of plastic across the top back window is not improving the drag coefficient half so much as it's just creating a nifty place for DIRT TO HIDE) and plastic thingies along the side/belly of the car. Rates a big whatever. Also, it's a 1.5liter engine. The Harley has a 1.5liter engine. The veedub has a 2.0liter. Do I really want to be stuck driving around a car with an engine barely bigger than your average riding lawn mower?
Hmmm... The Yaris has that dashboard-in-the-middle thing; the Scion is not just an abbreviated shoebox, it's also an abbreviated shoebox 6" higher off the ground, between car-floor and car-seat, than my veedub, which creates the unnerving sensation of driving in a highchair. The Nissan Versa has a number of nice features, but again, driving in a dining room chair. (CP: "While sitting on a phone book.")
While at the Nissan dealer, however, we got into the topic of possible used cars. A Honda Fit ('08, 29K) had just arrived, and I said I'd give it a look. Oh, the salesman says, we also have a Cooper.
Me: A Cooper. No.
Salesman: It's a convertible!
Me: Then pretty much no.
Salesman: And it's bright red!
Me: Then ABSOLUTELY NO.
My family calls that "police-invigoratin' red" for a reason, buddy. (And Nissan either gets points added or taken away, not sure, for calling its red, "Alert Red" -- and they wonder why I declared that I will absolutely not, under no condition, in no way, ever purchase a red car. Sheesh. Let alone a red convertible! I pay enough in taxes. I'm not helping the state out more by funding half their programs on my speeding tickets alone.)
Then another the salesman thought of, not sure if it was in our price range. I said, well, if I can reasonably expect the car will make it to 200K miles (and hopefully beyond), then I'm willing to pay a bit more knowing I'll get a good ten years or more driving from it. With the caveat that if it's used, it must be low years and high mileage, because short of complete driving/maintenance records, that's the only way to be assured the car got predominantly highway driving. I just don't trust the majority of drivers out there when it comes to brakes and clutches; those things are the most dangerous when they go down, and they're also the most likely to be damaged by bad or inexperienced drivers, and they're also issues that can be fixed for little enough that you can't justify ditching the car but still expensive enough to fix that it's a burden. Or maybe I just hate having to clean up after a driver who screwed up a car because the driver just didn't know how to freaking drive.
Which brings us to:
Salesman: It's a Subaru.
Me: I've never heard of a Subaru making it past 85K.
Salesman: They're not that bad.
Me: Okay. 90K if you're very very good.
Salesman: It's fully loaded!
Me: You see that car right there, in the parking lot? That's a '96 Veedub. You also know I drove a 914 for several years. Do I look like someone who cares about 'fully loaded'?
Salesman: It's got GPS?
Me: This town's so small I can drive north to south in fifteen minutes! Why would I need a GPS when I'm never more than fifteen minutes from home? I can get lost as much as anyone but when I never get more than twenty miles from home, if I'm getting lost then, I deserve whatever I get.
Salesman: It's got turbo?
Me: That's the kiss of death.
Salesman: It's a really awesome driving experience?
Me: What's the mileage per gallon?
Salesman: *checks paperwork* It's got 12K on it.
Me: Mileage per gallon.
Salesman: Oh. Let me check on that.
Me: Weight?
Salesman: *blinks* Heavier than the Versa. *starts to rattle off safety features*
Me: Two years old, was probably exclusively in-city driving stop-and-go, weighs more, its miles-per-gallon is going to be a lot worse and on top of that, I've got to wonder about clutch and brake wear. Not interested.
Salesman: *wheedling* You could at least look.
Me: Uh. Hunh.
CP: *returns* What's this?
Salesman: *chipper again* A used Subaru! Fully loaded! Come this way!
...we get to the car...
Me: It's black.
Salesman: It's not red!
Me: It's black with black interior. Black leather interior.
Salesman: ...
Me: Have you noticed how hot it is today?
Salesman: ...there's just no pleasing you, is there.
Me: No. No, there's not, unless you have a blue or silver BMW 325i convertible--
Salesman: --uh--
Me: --that's a hybrid.
Salesman: ...
Me: *waits*
Salesman: I don't think those come in hybrid.
Me: I rest my case.
Salesman: ...
Me: But in the meantime I still won't buy a black car with a black leather interior in a state where July temps range in the upper 90s.
Eventually word comes around that the just-arrived used Honda Fit (a trade-in) was cleared by the mechanics, who'd seen no need for any major work other than an oil change. (And, I figured out today, possibly four new tires, sometime in the next few months.) Here's where it's really crazy: they're willing to loan us the car, for a day or so. Just to see what we think. (What? Can they do that?) I tell them I'll take it to a nearby mechanic to give me a second opinion, and then we'll get back to them -- after doing a good hour's highway driving outside the city, of course, though to be really testing it, I should take it into the hills and see how it handles my favorite kind of twisty roads.
Keep in mind that through all this, each time I said I would not, under any condition, buy a red car, someone near by would make some comment about the old joke about the wife who doesn't care what car it is, so long as it's blue. (Yes, I have met women like that, and yes, I am at least diplomatic enough now that I can grit my teeth and let the inanity pass by without comment.)
This morning it occurred to me -- in the bright cheerful morning sunshine -- that the color of this particular car sitting in our driveway is really very... blue. You might even say it's a noisily self-declarative blue. Yep, that's blue.
Come to think of it, so is this. And they even have similarly so-boxy-it's-cute sort of shapes.
Me: I just realized, the honda's color reminds me an awful lot of a Tachikoma.
CP: That right there is reason enough to buy the car!
Me: You so did not just say that.
CP: We can call it the Tachikoma!
Me: ...
CP: We can say, I'm taking the Tachi out for a spin!
Me: *facepalm*