Thank you for writing this post. It is amazing. I am going to bookmark it (do you mind if I do so publicly?)
I have my own bucket of internalized shit and privilege about medication, and I'm trying to break out of it. I think what I'm realizing more and more is that regardless of whether meds work for me or not, I have no right to judge someone else's decisions, especially if that someone fucking needs those meds to survive (and it is sad that society tends to privilege more visible/"physical" things, as opposed to "mental" things) .... then I really have no right to say anything about it other than to support them wholeheartedly.
My father and many other people have told me so many times that my suicidality and my psychosis is really just because I am *creative*. That my ocd, even when it becomes really really psychotic, is just because I am *such a good person* and I worry about bad thoughts because I'm *so good*. It's very hard to believe that it's okay to take meds when this is the kind of message I get. I still feel like I'm letting myself down. I don't know where I ended and the drugs began. But maybe that isn't the point at all. This summer I'm trying to find a psychiatrist and maybe go on new meds, maybe antipsychotics again.... and I'm terrified, for all the bad things that have happened in the past and all the people who would rather see me be *creative* and *strong* and *good* .... but I'm going to try, I think.
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Date: 11 Jun 2010 07:03 pm (UTC)I have my own bucket of internalized shit and privilege about medication, and I'm trying to break out of it. I think what I'm realizing more and more is that regardless of whether meds work for me or not, I have no right to judge someone else's decisions, especially if that someone fucking needs those meds to survive (and it is sad that society tends to privilege more visible/"physical" things, as opposed to "mental" things) .... then I really have no right to say anything about it other than to support them wholeheartedly.
My father and many other people have told me so many times that my suicidality and my psychosis is really just because I am *creative*. That my ocd, even when it becomes really really psychotic, is just because I am *such a good person* and I worry about bad thoughts because I'm *so good*. It's very hard to believe that it's okay to take meds when this is the kind of message I get. I still feel like I'm letting myself down. I don't know where I ended and the drugs began. But maybe that isn't the point at all. This summer I'm trying to find a psychiatrist and maybe go on new meds, maybe antipsychotics again.... and I'm terrified, for all the bad things that have happened in the past and all the people who would rather see me be *creative* and *strong* and *good* .... but I'm going to try, I think.