*grins* I *literally* have a white picket fence at the moment (down at the bottom of our very overgrown section) as well as being legally married and having a three-year-old child.
The only bit of that I ever really saw as a goal was the enormous party and the pretty dress, which I didn't really see as relating to the marriage bit too closely anyway. (My theory was that when I hit 30 single I'd have a 'wedding' party for myself where I got to wear a ball gown and had a huge formal dinner event with speeches.) But I found myself in a permanent relationship, and we wanted somewhere to live that we could alter to suit what we wanted, and I really didn't like the idea of growing old without people round who understood my family culture (that one's a bit of a long shot, I know, since there's no guarantee that having kids will ensure it -- it's just that not having them kind of ensures I won't get it).
What has always bugged me is the idea that 'this goes with that'. I've always been drawn to the bits of 'femininity' that were actions, rather than inactions (dressing up and painting the skin, dancing, singing, pretty accessories, and so on), but I've also always felt insecure in my identification as 'female' because I'm not very good at the bits where one *doesn't* do things because one's female. I talk a lot (which, contrary to popular culture, is a thing men tend to do more than women in our society), I read sci-fi and comics, I like combat sports more than other sports (fencing, judo, and kung fu), and so on.
My partner has made a couple of posts in his blog recently that really rocked me. I hadn't realised how much my self-image has been limited by this issue really until I read his post about our daughter being called a tomboy at her preschool.
I was initially pleased, because 'tomboy' to me (and from what I can tell, to the teacher) meant 'girl who has social approval for being strong, healthy, and active', which is something I want for my child. He saw it as a suggestion that she wasn't a normal girl and therefore needed a label to explain her oddness, and his post held me up as a model -- a woman who sees being herself as normal behaviour for her gender, including being strong, healthy, and active. I wish I did.
I'm glad I'm co-parenting with someone who honestly believes that if a girl does something happy and healthy, then it's good, *girlish* behaviour, whether that's fighting her cousin with a light-sabre or playing tea-parties.
I think the thing with white picket fences and so on is that they get treated like signs of success, which suggests gender is a competition.
no subject
Date: 8 Mar 2010 09:27 pm (UTC)The only bit of that I ever really saw as a goal was the enormous party and the pretty dress, which I didn't really see as relating to the marriage bit too closely anyway. (My theory was that when I hit 30 single I'd have a 'wedding' party for myself where I got to wear a ball gown and had a huge formal dinner event with speeches.) But I found myself in a permanent relationship, and we wanted somewhere to live that we could alter to suit what we wanted, and I really didn't like the idea of growing old without people round who understood my family culture (that one's a bit of a long shot, I know, since there's no guarantee that having kids will ensure it -- it's just that not having them kind of ensures I won't get it).
What has always bugged me is the idea that 'this goes with that'. I've always been drawn to the bits of 'femininity' that were actions, rather than inactions (dressing up and painting the skin, dancing, singing, pretty accessories, and so on), but I've also always felt insecure in my identification as 'female' because I'm not very good at the bits where one *doesn't* do things because one's female. I talk a lot (which, contrary to popular culture, is a thing men tend to do more than women in our society), I read sci-fi and comics, I like combat sports more than other sports (fencing, judo, and kung fu), and so on.
My partner has made a couple of posts in his blog recently that really rocked me. I hadn't realised how much my self-image has been limited by this issue really until I read his post about our daughter being called a tomboy at her preschool.
I was initially pleased, because 'tomboy' to me (and from what I can tell, to the teacher) meant 'girl who has social approval for being strong, healthy, and active', which is something I want for my child. He saw it as a suggestion that she wasn't a normal girl and therefore needed a label to explain her oddness, and his post held me up as a model -- a woman who sees being herself as normal behaviour for her gender, including being strong, healthy, and active. I wish I did.
I'm glad I'm co-parenting with someone who honestly believes that if a girl does something happy and healthy, then it's good, *girlish* behaviour, whether that's fighting her cousin with a light-sabre or playing tea-parties.
I think the thing with white picket fences and so on is that they get treated like signs of success, which suggests gender is a competition.