Ayup. Sometimes it's more like telling you there's road construction ahead (riffing on your icon, babe) -- it's not like you can fix it, or make it go away. It's just a head's up so you know why you're sitting in traffic.
I totally get the impulse to make it better, or to want to talk it out, like this will resolve it. Sometimes it might, but plenty of times it won't. That's why I say, if you just ask -- what can I do? -- that's the fastest way to learn whether the person's at a stage that they can come up with coping mechanisms (tell me this, or remind me of that) or if they're still grappling and don't know.
If they don't know, or they don't think there is anything you can do, just accept it -- and take the admission as one of the highest forms of flattery (I think) is possible in a friendship: the willingness to be vulnerable around you. It means you've made the person feel safe enough to this point that they're willing to try wading a little deeper.
If you really want to reassure someone, then maybe do it about their words, not the actual issue. Like, I know that wasn't easy to say. That's always good to hear, that the listener gets that it wasn't easy, and I'm sure it's something you probably want to hear at equivalent times on your end, too, eh?
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Date: 3 Jan 2009 05:50 am (UTC)I totally get the impulse to make it better, or to want to talk it out, like this will resolve it. Sometimes it might, but plenty of times it won't. That's why I say, if you just ask -- what can I do? -- that's the fastest way to learn whether the person's at a stage that they can come up with coping mechanisms (tell me this, or remind me of that) or if they're still grappling and don't know.
If they don't know, or they don't think there is anything you can do, just accept it -- and take the admission as one of the highest forms of flattery (I think) is possible in a friendship: the willingness to be vulnerable around you. It means you've made the person feel safe enough to this point that they're willing to try wading a little deeper.
If you really want to reassure someone, then maybe do it about their words, not the actual issue. Like, I know that wasn't easy to say. That's always good to hear, that the listener gets that it wasn't easy, and I'm sure it's something you probably want to hear at equivalent times on your end, too, eh?