I don't think there's really anything inherently wrong with the first four, honestly. It's the person who gets pushy about it that really exacerbates it, and boy, can that be tough.
Asking "oh my goodness, did I do something wrong?" is an honest first-reaction, I think -- it's when the listener refuses to believe the speaker's assurance that no, this is for everyone. If you're able to take that at face value, then that dynamic is a mild hump and easily passed, and you can modulate into a more positive version of #4, which is just as simple as, "is there anything I can do, personally, that will help reassure you?"
Not too many people think to ask that, but you might be amazed at how powerful a question it is. It makes the speaker stop and think about concrete things, that s/he would want (instead of suggesting anything yourself). If the person can't, then table it. Just say, "well, when you think of something, let me know." That way, the communication begun by the statement is remaining open, but without pressure.
That is, if you're somewhat good friends. If you consider yourself really, truly close friends and value the relationship, just skip straight to #8 and take it on face value that the most important thing for an anxious/trust-issue friend is that you stick around even when they're afraid you won't.
Although all of that is solely from my personal experience, so your mileage may vary. All I can tell you is that when someone says, "what can I personally do, to help, to make it easier on you?" it's got to be one of the most stunning moments of a friendship. For an anxious person, it's both terrifying and exhilarating, I think, because it's a strong expression of your trust in the person -- that is, that you're trusting him/her to tell you, and to give you that chance. That's pretty powerful.
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Date: 3 Jan 2009 05:37 am (UTC)Asking "oh my goodness, did I do something wrong?" is an honest first-reaction, I think -- it's when the listener refuses to believe the speaker's assurance that no, this is for everyone. If you're able to take that at face value, then that dynamic is a mild hump and easily passed, and you can modulate into a more positive version of #4, which is just as simple as, "is there anything I can do, personally, that will help reassure you?"
Not too many people think to ask that, but you might be amazed at how powerful a question it is. It makes the speaker stop and think about concrete things, that s/he would want (instead of suggesting anything yourself). If the person can't, then table it. Just say, "well, when you think of something, let me know." That way, the communication begun by the statement is remaining open, but without pressure.
That is, if you're somewhat good friends. If you consider yourself really, truly close friends and value the relationship, just skip straight to #8 and take it on face value that the most important thing for an anxious/trust-issue friend is that you stick around even when they're afraid you won't.
Although all of that is solely from my personal experience, so your mileage may vary. All I can tell you is that when someone says, "what can I personally do, to help, to make it easier on you?" it's got to be one of the most stunning moments of a friendship. For an anxious person, it's both terrifying and exhilarating, I think, because it's a strong expression of your trust in the person -- that is, that you're trusting him/her to tell you, and to give you that chance. That's pretty powerful.