(no subject)

10 Oct 2015 03:58 am
boxofdelights: (Default)
[personal profile] boxofdelights
This eloquent fury from [personal profile] kaberett
reminded me of a conversation that happened at dinner at Nixie's graduation last May.

I was sitting between my brother and my husband, across from my mom; also at the table were Mungo and Nixie, my brother's wife and their daughters, and my sister and her sons and her boyfriend; thirteen in all, but I think the rest were involved in other conversations when Chris reminisced about a time when he was running away from Dad, running from the hall to the kitchen to the dining room to the hall and around again. Our dad used a cane and a leg brace, and couldn't run, but he kept chasing Chris and Chris kept running, "because I knew that he was going to kill me."

I was surprised that my mother didn't interrupt him there, didn't protest that of course he wasn't going to kill you, that's just silly! Is it because Chris is a man, now, that Mom no longer feels entitled to police his mouth? I don't know! It is true that living with Dad was like waterboarding: it makes you feel like you're about to die, over and over, but it doesn't actually kill you. Probably.

Chris paused there, as if he also expected Mom to interrupt, and then repeated it. "I knew he was going to kill me. So when I got a little bit ahead of him, I ran into the bathroom and locked the door. And I went out the window."

Mom said, "Do you remember, when you were two, you locked yourself in the bathroom and you were too scared to open the door, so he said gently, 'Open the door. I won't hit you.' And you opened the door, and he hit you. He said, 'I'll teach him not to disobey me,' and I said, 'Jack, you're teaching him not to trust you!'"

Chris said, "This time, I wasn't ever going to open that door."

Mom said, "You were almost at Woodward when I found you." We lived here, between Woodward and Telegraph, two busy highways:


Our school was on the other side of Woodward. A classmate of Chris's, a third-grader named Marcello, got killed crossing Woodward, but this story happened before that. Still, we all knew that Woodward was dangerous.

Mom said, "Do you remember, I told you, if you need to run away, just keep turning right. I will always come find you. Just keep turning right, and I'll find you."

We both looked at her stone-faced. Why would you keep turning right when you need to get away?
qem_chibati: Coloured picture of Killua from hunter x hunter, with the symbol of Qem in the corner. (A cat made from Q, E, M) (Default)
[personal profile] qem_chibati
Borrowing that meme, of three nice things for today.

1. \o/ I broke the 100+ kudos mark on a story last night! Eclispe my Hinata Shouyou/Tsukishima Kei fluff piece for not prime time.

I realise that's old hat for a bunch of my flisties, but it makes me really happy!!! (It's not that I want to be a BNF - the opposite in fact. But it's nice that a story I was stressing out over came across well.)

2. My dogs are adorable and I caught them playing tug-a-war on camera.

3. Big dog's pink love heart name tag, looks adorable on him. :)

guess what? taxes!

9 Oct 2015 12:17 pm
edenfalling: colored line-art drawing of a three-scoop ice cream sundae in a silver dish (ice cream sundae)
[personal profile] edenfalling
I got 98% on my tax midterm exam. Go me! :D

(no subject)

9 Oct 2015 11:56 am
the_rck: figure perched in a tree with barren branches (Default)
[personal profile] the_rck
I managed one of the calls I needed to make today. I've still got the afternoon for the other, so hopefully, I'll manage it. I called the radiation oncology nurses and asked several questions. The most pressing was whether or not it mattered that I'm taking antibiotics. It doesn't, so that's all good.

The other call I need to make is to the American Cancer Society number for arranging transportation. I've got a few people who are going to be able to help out sometimes, but there will be days when none of those folks can. During the first two or three weeks of treatment, I'm pretty sure I could manage the bus. Maybe. The fact that I haven't ridden the bus since March makes the prospect pretty thoroughly terrifying, and I'm not sure that I'll be up to doing it once I get far enough into treatment to be tired.

Scott's planning to ask for two hours off on Tuesday so that he can come with me to the first appointment. I definitely prefer that to the bus since, when the appointment finishes, it'll be a time when the bus through there is packed.

Cordelia expressed some worry last night about me being tired when I do radiation. She thinks I need to sleep more now in order to help deal with that. I pointed out that I'm at home alone a lot and can just sleep when I need to. I think she's worried about more than that but that this is how she expresses it.

I'm over the cold I caught from Cordelia, but she's still fairly sick. She coughs pretty much all night. I've suggested she sleep propped up, but she says she can't. She's taking cough syrup at night, and that seems to help a little. We don't have a working humidifier, and she's said she doesn't want one anyway.

I just ordered her a new backpack. The zipper on the old one is staring to come apart. This will be the third backpack of her school career. The first one died some time during fourth grade, I think, so the current one is 2-3 years old. Of course, the last year and a half, she's been carrying a lot more stuff back and forth, so that's likely harder on the backpack.

Last week, our broom broke while our cleaning lady was using it. I asked Scott to pick up a new one, but he couldn't that day, and we both forgot about it. When she came yesterday, she was at a loss as to what to do. I think she managed to find a largish hand brush/broom. I felt terrible about that. Scott bought a new broom on his way home from work yesterday, but she'd been gone for half an hour by the time he got home.

We absolutely have to cook tonight as we finished off the leftovers last night. I think that will be on me. I should probably brine the chicken now so that it has a few hours to soak.

Scott is scheduled to work Sunday this weekend. I'm really looking forward to the end of October when he'll be more likely to get a two day weekend.

I need to follow up on the UM Credit Union application. They sent me an email Monday, and I've been too distracted to deal with it. I think all I need to do is to log in and to put some money in the accounts. I'm glad I remembered that now. I can do that as soon as I post here.

Short linkspam

9 Oct 2015 12:48 pm
umadoshi: (hands full of light and water (roxicons))
[personal profile] umadoshi
A few links I haven't read closely

I still haven't heard Hamilton, so I haven't done more than glance at this, but [dreamwidth.org profile] naye has put together a good-looking dedicated linkspam post.

And [dreamwidth.org profile] rydra_wong has a primer post of Hamilton links for those who don't know a whole lot about it. (Useful for people who keep seeing it mentioned and don't know what's up, and for people like me who know the gist but haven't delved yet.)

[dreamwidth.org profile] owlmoose posted "Agents of Skye" on the ending of Agents of SHIELD season 2 and the very beginning of season 3. (I haven't read this for the simple reason that I still haven't seen AoS past the series pilot.) Text above the spoiler cut includes: "But I was also frustrated because, in an extended Marvel universe with so many opportunities for diversity, they were chosing to make yet another media property centering around a middle-aged white guy. It wasn't surprising, I suppose, but it still disappointed me.

Except not really, because on rewatch, it becomes clear that Coulson wasn't the true focus of the show after all. The first two seasons of AoS tell the superhero origin of Daisy Johnson (aka Skye aka Quake), and almost everything that happens to Coulson in Season 1, and many other major plot points along the way, are in service of her story."

Fandom/Geeky Things

At Book Riot: "Announcing THE HEART GOES LAST Atwood Fan Fiction Contest".


"Vintage photos of female starlets and musical icons chilling with their turntables".

"Dream-Like Autumn Forests By Czech Photographer Janek Sedlář".

"29 spectacular photos of the Aurora Borealis over the UK and Ireland".
erika: Reboot!James T. Kirk, Anne Taintor style lettering:  I should come with a warning label. (st aos: warning label (jtk))
[personal profile] erika
For awhile, my life's been literally a crime scene.

I find it retrospectively horrifying how I started to expect the depression, like its cold inhuman limbs walked besides me always, somehow. My body was unable to forget that onetime perch upon a tree where I did nothing but read, in a desperate attempt to ignore, while simultaneously looking down on everyone.

Then here I am again, darling PTSD, I knew you so well once but then I forgot how that experience of forever-in-pain differs.

Trauma resolved feels like the memory of that friend everyone had, at one point—the one who drifted away, got sent to reform school, military school, Catholic school, moved, started doing drugs—where you kinda wish you knew how they were doing but don't care enough to add them on Facebook. Just glad they stayed away.

But in the moment, trauma feels overwhelming, serendipitous, debilitating. It's the gut-wrenching internal despair of serious emotional damage and everything in your mind re-centers around fixing the gaping hole.

And PTSD is reliving it over and over in my brain so I can fix it. It's nearly impossible to believe that I could have forgotten how much better I'd absolutely gotten, but then, here it is again: the encroaching depression renders everything meaningless, disgusting, lifeless.

Ah. I believe again, validating my own experience.

but a moment of despair:
How many unique agonies have been stifled, rejected, ignored? Why must I—why do I remember them now?

Friends are for conversation: fucking reparteé and discussion, half-formed thoughts and thinking out loud, not these fucking broadcast headlines, endless unsupported arguments shouting through the distance.

Réspondez, s'il vous plaît to my text, my IM, my email; reassure me my presence is desired, required, delighted.

I find tumblr, twitter, facebook, vine, youtube——absolutely enthralling but——
Long form personal journalling online is a relic, somehow, and I, at 30, am a dinosaur. A wizened crone. Fabulous. I find this completely hilarious.

I feel, if anything, slightly less intelligent than I did when I started this and only much, much more human.

Less intelligent, less quick, the way intelligence was always described to me, the only way I knew to understand it.
More human, more understanding/compassionate/actually capable of recognizing other points of view (AND the fact that the other people in question believe just as strongly that they are right as I do that I am)—it turns out recognition of consequences has its own consequences.

I can follow a chain of logic, and understand how it's possibly to emotionally believe in it, almost no matter what it is. Turns out that helps me believe I'm worth something because a hell of a lot of abusive bullshit falls down when I could finally see that I'd been programmed to emotionally reject almost everything that was difficult to hear.

The definition of "difficult" seems to differ as an adult.

To myself as a child, I was incapable of believing in things that didn't agree with the other ideas my predominant influences had ... coaxed me into believing. Encouraged. And finally demanded.

They had to be right. They said they were, and they were, from what I saw, at least about the hot stove and the fact that I was smart, that's the only thing anyone ever praised me for, so they had to be right.

I didn't see the consequences of their beliefs; here, in my childhood, it'd probably make more sense if I called those consequences by their true name—contradictions.

The contradictions made things difficult.

When I was a child, I spake as a child. But a teenage girl's fears, hopes, and dreams are a different thing entirely. Nearly that of an adult, from my experience, so I feel uncomfortable comparing childhood directly to adulthood.

Lord, has my internal experience been well documented. I could excoriate myself, could probably make it funny, even, but that's what happens when your inner fantasies are the only places you can conceive of hope existing.

Those inner fantasies feeling like the only place I was loved, little wonder I turned inward while simultaneously feeling like I couldn't bear to examine myself further. I tried to please everyone and no one (myself) at the same time.

As a teenager, they called it lying. Difficult was telling the truth. But I was so good at lying, and if I could just be good at something, anything, the pain would stop, yes, and then——my thoughts became a blank and I would reset. The objective was so crystal clear: finish yr adolescence & stop the pain.

Lying—that stain on my supposed soul, a soul which had always seemed damned to me anyway—was a small price.

I didn't comprehend the consequences. I didn't see how hurting others was hurting myself, how isolating myself and demanding the perfection I had always, always failed to deliver could be the wrong move——schooled by years of my mother's incessant anxiety and my father's instinctive misogyny—and god, how very smart I felt I was.

The contradictions were still there, but hidden. I didn't believe that I could feel bad as a result of other people's actions——I was simply meant to feel bad, and so I did. Why was I meant to feel bad? Because I did.

I didn't understand the connections—the consequences.

At this point in time, I feel like I have to do two contradictory things... start writing more jokes and start taking the abilify.

Concurrently, writing as a supposed adult—I feel I must have faith to get up in the mornings. At this point, I can only define faith as hope in the outcome of my actions.

I suppose you could call that faith the natural result of admitting my previous mistakes, seeing that there is something outside of myself which I hadn't previously accounted for, but I prefer not to think of consequences now the way all adults seemed to when I was a child and they were claiming I didn't have it: common sense.

Wisdom, when they needed to sound mysterious for a child they sensed would buy it. The word nearly fits this Comprehension, excepting that I disbelieve I'm capable of retaining such a vaunted commodity.

Acquiring, well, I'll try anything once.

Then again, after I forget.

(no subject)

8 Oct 2015 09:51 pm
snarp: small cute androgynous android crossing arms and looking very serious (Default)
[personal profile] snarp
Fuck your fucken flower, Fox.
snarp: small cute androgynous android crossing arms and looking very serious (Default)
[personal profile] snarp
It's clearly not a conscious one. Maybe the same part that managed my auditory hallucinations, when I was having those? If so, I've clearly mellowed out a little since high school, given that I rarely recite incoherent sentence fragments about dismemberment apocalypse bloodses at him.
The point is that I just realized that today, when he walks up to me, I've been reflexively saying, "LADIES AND GENTLEMEN. WE HAVE A HATER."

He scratched my hand pretty bad last night, is probably what it is. (He didn't like the noise I was making on the keyboard while engaging with Mettaton, and he attempted to put a stop to it.)

New Fall Shows

8 Oct 2015 12:36 pm
wishfulclicking: man in black and white pulling back a curtain to show moving sky (Default)
[personal profile] wishfulclicking
So what is everyone watching?

I tried and stalled with Fear the Walking Dead, but talk about the latest episodes make me want to pick it back up just to see the end. It is only six episodes.

Out of the new Fall shows I've tried Minority Report (it was ok but nothing made me want to return and the low ratings pretty much mean it isn't long for this tv world), Scream Queens (I keep on forgetting when this is on and hulu is not quick to post episodes; I was not that enthused with the first two episodes--Lea Michele was a highlight and the narcissistic boyfriend was good as well-- something about the humor felt like a tired attempt of sharp edginess that feels just a bit dated). Caught half of The Flash and liked it enough though I still haven't seen the last episodes of last season. Sleepy Hollow was good in a way that was tempting, but it's very hard to completely trust it not to go off the rails; I'm just going to enjoy the good moments while they last.

American Horror Story came on last night. IDK. Visually, it is rather arresting and there were moments but I don't know if I'm sticking around for any more. Some links on AHS latest: a review I mostly agree with and a plea for Ryan Murphy to stop which makes me flash back to Glee fandom and laugh.

Still waiting on Supergirl and Fargo.

(no subject)

8 Oct 2015 11:15 am
the_rck: figure perched in a tree with barren branches (Default)
[personal profile] the_rck
Yesterday, I had nausea after the morning dose of Bactrim, but I haven't really today. I have my fingers crossed that it doesn't come back. I had Scott pick up some ginger tea, just in case, and I'm having some of that now. I'm not enthusiastic about the flavor. It's Harney & Sons, and it looked promising because it has actual chunks of ginger. It might taste better if I sweetened it, I suppose. I just don't find that necessary with the kind of ginger tea I'm used to. The other ginger tea Scott got is actually a black tea with ginger flavoring, so I don't expect it to do much to settle my stomach.

The guy from the heating company just arrived. I'm glad they managed to get us in this week because I'd hate to try to schedule it for later. I'm just not entirely happy because I would like to be napping right now. I've not been sleeping well. I haven't gotten back to sleep after Scott's 5:10 alarm since last Friday. That means I've been getting about five hours of sleep a night. It's a wonder I'm not doing worse than I am.

I'm trying to fit in my various library DVDs today. I'm not sure I'll succeed because one of the ones I have left is multi-DVD set, an entire 24 episode season of an anime. Right at the moment I can renew it, but that would mean a mid-week return, and that's not desirable. Maybe when I try it, I won't care for it and can return it right away.

The radiation oncology people scheduled me a surprise appointment in December. The first I knew about it was the message I got telling me to check the patient portal. The appointments were for 12:45 and 1:00 on the 22nd. Cordelia's dental appointment is at 1:00 on the 22nd, and I'm not interested in rescheduling that again. For some reason, they didn't think it was important to give me a phone number to call if I had questions or needed to reschedule. I ended up having to call the hospital operator and get transferred. I would have thought that a contact number would be basic information. At any rate, I've rescheduled to a week later. This is apparently for some sort of research study, and I did say I was interested in doing those. I didn't expect to get tapped, though. I would like more information than that, so I hope the papers they send me contain something useful.

I started a new book last night. GoodReads recommended it to me as a comic mystery, but I'm not actually finding it funny. It's readable, but it's not fun in the way the blurb suggested it would be. I'm also more than 50 pages in with no sign of actual plot, just background and character stuff.

Okay, here goes

8 Oct 2015 06:08 am
serene: mailbox (Default)
[personal profile] serene

Deep sigh.

7 Oct 2015 09:10 pm
snarp: small cute androgynous android crossing arms and looking very serious (Default)
[personal profile] snarp
Will Undertale notice and do anything weird if I alter my HP really high or something? I would be very surprised if I manage to finish not-fighting not-Meenah before my wrists degrade into not-wrists.

Edit: I sent Temmie to college... By altering my save file so I had a lot of money.
branchandroot: Hatsuharu looking pissed (Haru black)
[personal profile] branchandroot

*breathing hard*

For those who have updated to El Capitan and lost their custom icons:

-Shut computer down.
-Hold down Command + R and restart (release buttons once the gray apple icon appears on the screen)
-Wait for the dialogue box on a dark gray screen; bypass the dialogue and go up to the menu bar and select Utilities > Terminal.
-Type in: csrutil disable
-Hit return. Close Terminal and select Restart from the apple icon on the menu bar.

-Fire up LiteIcon or whatever icon swapper you use and swap out icons.
-To do it by hand navigate to System/Library/CoreServices/CoreTypes.bundle; right click and select "Show Contents" for CoreTypes; navigate to Contents/Resources; replace the system icons by hand.

-Now do that reboot, Cmnd+R, Terminal song and dance again.
-This time, type: csrutil enable
-Close out and restart, and lo you will have both your custom icons and your system integrity protection.

This process complicated, in my case, by the fact that none of my computer's boot screens will accept a tap on my trackpad as select/enter, and I had to go fish out my spare mighty-mouse from way back when to actually CLICK on anything.

*gives Apple two middle fingers, quite vigorously*

(no subject)

7 Oct 2015 02:31 pm
the_rck: figure perched in a tree with barren branches (Default)
[personal profile] the_rck
The guy from the radiation clinic apparently went ahead and scheduled all of my visits without consulting me. Fortunately, he managed to miss all of the things I was worried might conflict. I'm still rather peeved that he didn't consult with me given that I told him that there were things I needed to schedule around. My first six appointments bounce around quite a lot, but after the 21st, everything's going to be at 12:50. I will finish treatment the Tuesday before Thanksgiving.

Now I have to call the radiology nurses to talk about lotions and such and to talk to other people to see about arranging for transportation. But I think I may call my sister first so that we can be cranky together about people scheduling things without consulting us (she's been having trouble with that, too).

(no subject)

7 Oct 2015 01:34 pm
snarp: small cute androgynous android crossing arms and looking very serious (Default)
[personal profile] snarp
While I'm aware that my internal reproductive organs cannot literally "twist themselves all up in rage," I'm still spending the day moving as if they're not in their usual places + speaking soothingly to them. "Do you want an NSAID guys. What NSAID you want."


kaigou: this is what I do, darling (Default)
锴 angry fishtrap 狗

to remember

"When you make the finding yourself— even if you're the last person on Earth to see the light— you'll never forget it." —Carl Sagan

March 2015



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